5 Grand Things That Aren't Grand At All (Part 1)

The year is 1914. The month, July. Yes, exactly 100 years ago. Austria-Hungary, now Czech Republic, attacks Serbia resulting in something of a domino effect; Russia retaliates, being allies of Serbia. Germany in turn invades France and are given an ultimatum by Britain to retreat which, of course, they do not. Several other countries join in the fracas due to alliances, such as Britain had to France, formed in preceding years. By 1917, the USA also join in. A war which most thought would last a mere few months at most, goes on for almost 4 and a half years. Then known as the Great War, today we call it "World War One".

It grew into a war involving 32 countries. Casualties numbered under 40 million.

Listening to the story of this war and reading about it has reminded me of one particular thing that is made much of and treasured but isn't really all that it's cracked up to be. In fact, there are several such things. For this particular piece of writing, I talk a little bit about the first.

Not-So-Grand Thing No. 1: Patriotism

It's interesting that when WWI begun, there was a real sense of enthusiasm from men in their respective countries. In Britain for instance, men were running over each other to sign up to fight in the war. When Britain gave Germany an ultimatum to retreat from France before 11pm that night, Britons lined the streets chanting slogans and marching patriotically. In the office of the Prime Minister however, you could hear a pin drop as the PM himself, his wife and several cabinet ministers sat hoping to get word of retreat from Germany. At around 11pm, the PM's wife gets up to go to bed asking her husband, in effect, "Is time up?" He replies in the affirmative. The war was on. It only took the first publication in the papers of names of soldiers who had died in the war (as was the custom to do) that first week to turn that patriotic mood and buzz of the people somber and pensive. It was then that they finally realized what their leaders understood that night in the PM's office as they hoped for word of retreat from Germany. That there was nothing grand about what was going on. It would be horrendous.

Patriotism appears grand and honourable. Our blood boils to hear insults hurled or demeaning words spoken against our land and people. Our hearts just as readily leap when representatives of our nations at world wide athletics games and sporting competitions win and our national flags are raised and anthems played. There is a sense in which we love our land and country which is all well and good, but is patriotism all that it's cracked up to be? I do not think so. Sure, we have a responsibility to our land and people and we should take pride but does the fanatic-like tendencies that accompany patriotism really bring real returns? Men have given so much for their countries in the past but if they were to live in their countries today for only a week, I suspect they would weep at best and perhaps regret their sacrifices for their countries at worst, to see what has become of them. The ideologies to which they espoused aren't embraced anymore, they would find. In fact, for many they would find ideologies they despised obtaining. The evils that go on, the corruption, narrow mindedness, immorality and selfishness, even of those in leadership would likely have their stomachs turning in disgust asking, "Is this what I worked so hard and gave so much for?" Lord knows, they probably "turn in their graves" as they say.

Loving our people and land surely has its place but patriotism sure isn't as grand as it is made out to be. Just ask those patriotic young men who ran towards WWI like a child runs towards candy, how grand it is. They'll be sure to tell you, that while it has it's place, it isn't grand at all.

"I hated all my toil in which I toil under the sun, seeing that I must leave it to the man who will come after me, and who knows whether he will be wise or a fool? Yet he will be master of all for which I toiled and used my wisdom under the sun. This also is vanity." ~Ecclesiastes 2.18-19.

Click here to view Not-so-grand thing No. 2: Wealth

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The Father Of God

One of the greatest injustices of setting a day to represent the birth of Christ namely the 25th of December is that we have limited our celebration and reflection of it to that time of the year only. Most of us are guilty of remembering Christ’s birth as often as we remember our on – once a year. Honestly speaking, we only ever sing songs, listen to sermons and read and recount the story of Jesus’ birth at Christmas. I think that’s unfortunate because Christ’s birth was a milestone in the history of mankind. Bebo Norman, a contemporary Christian musician wrote:

And the angels filled the sky
All of heaven wondered why
Why the King would choose to be
Be a baby born to die

It seems the Lord’s Supper has ‘rescued’ the event of Christ’s death from such a fate. I am convinced that is why Jesus actually instituted it – “Do this in remembrance of me” he said.

In a bid to rebel against this unfortunate trend, I wish to reflect upon the oft overlooked role that one man played in the birth and life of Christ. His contribution is always mentioned at the very beginning of Christ’s earthly life but soon after that he is never mentioned again, neither by people who speak of Christ’s birth and life or even by the bible itself.

This man is of course, Joseph. There is some disagreement about Joseph. Some suppose he was a middle to older aged man. Some traditional writings further suggest that he had already been married and was widowed with several children. In fact, most image representations of him show him grey haired and bald. But early writers had a bias. In a bid to defend the virgin birth which was in doubt they may have been inclined to stretch facts and depict Joseph as very old and Mary as very young to discourage people from thinking that Jesus was conceived by their coming together out of wedlock.

We'll never know for sure how old Joseph was at Christ's birth while we're on earth. But I am more inclined to think that he was a younger man. I have a lot of respect for a young Joseph. I imagine a young Joseph to be focused rather than living life without any real intent. I imagine that he wanted to be successful and worked hard. I imagine that he, like any other young man, had plans. He certainly had his sights set on a young lady named Mary. He must have looked forward to marrying her and raising a family with her.

But life is no fairy tale and like many real life stories, things soon came crumbling down. For Joseph, it was when he found out that the young lady he loved had fallen pregnant. I bet he was devastated. But young Joseph was a good man and sincerely loved Mary so much so that he decided that rather than soothe his pain by battering her reputation, telling everyone how terrible and how lacking in chastity Mary was, he opted to quietly end his relationship with her instead.

I would imagine that a young Joseph soon picked himself up and begun to re-strategize but God had other plans. And this is where my respect for this man comes in.

I don’t think the average fellow who is just starting out with a promising career, already earning some good money and rising up all the ladders that this life has on offer would agree to father the child of his pregnant fiancée. A child changes things. That powerful car, nice house in a prime location, big wedding or great vacation all have to be put aside to not only ensure the safe arrival of the child but prepare for its future. A child means goodbye to a lot of the time you looked forward to having with your new wife. It means dirty diapers and late nights. It means missing out on late nights and weekends away with friends or special events you would otherwise have attended. The damning thing about it is that raising a child is a long term endeavour, at least 18 years and many times much longer. That is why the average teenage girl who tells her boyfriend that she has gotten pregnant, sees the man, younger or older, run in the opposite direction. Not many guys, especially still youthful, would consider such a sacrifice for their own child conceived out of wedlock but Joseph embraced it for a child conceived that was not even his own.

Joseph laid his hopes and dreams aside for a cause that was much bigger than him. I dare say he laid it aside for the greatest cause in mankind’s history – ever. God calls young men and women to do all sorts of things for him and many are willing until those callings begin to mess with their plans and comforts. And that’s why I am convinced that very few young men would agree to do what a young Joseph did because of how much it cost him. I’m not sure that I would.

Consider how it all ends. Joseph is not mentioned again after Christ’s 12th birthday. Sure it cost Mary a lot too but at least she gets mentioned during and even after Christ’s death. So prevalent was her role that she is worshipped thousands of years later in the Catholic Church. But for Joseph, it’s like he never existed. He certainly doesn’t exist in the pages of scripture after the first few chapters of the gospels that narrate Christ’s birth. After Bethlehem we all pretty much forget him. After all he sacrificed he is forgotten in the early pages of the story of Christ. Which man would sign up to lose so much and gain so little in the end? Sure, the title “the Father of God” has a ring to it, but when it comes down to it, there’s not much else there on this side of eternity.

I have no doubt though that Joseph will have many crowns for the humble, soon forgotten and life interrupting role he played in the grand story of redemption. Such sacrifice cannot go unnoticed by God in heaven. A man we may pity now on earth will be the envy of many in heaven. A young Joseph is a challenge to any young person with hopes and dreams and a promising future who God calls to take a road that ‘ruins’ all those things. How glorified and honoured God must feel when a man or woman makes such a sacrifice even though it costs them so much with so little earthly gain. I have a lot of respect for a young Joseph and I look forward to meeting him in heaven. He must have been quite a man!

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Is Masturbation Sinful?

Often called a grey area or amoral, I've never really heard/read masturbation treated thoroughly and biblically. I think this note by Zuba is the most comprehensive and compelling treatment I have found and so I thought I should share it.

By Zuba Mwanza

Before I begin, I would like to state that my writing of this note was to a large extent motivated by an article I read on the Modern Ghana page, entitled "Pastor Chris Oyakhilome's theory of Masturbation". In this article, Pastor Chris is quoted saying the following,

"Masturbation in itself is not a sin against God. Satan simply uses it in oppressing Christians and making them feel ineffective and inefficient in God's sight. But, once u understand that it has nothing to do with God, but its about you and your body..."

He said these words in a telecast when asked the question, "How can a Christian overcome Masturbation?" And when his response clearly seemed to have raised a lot of dust, he reinforced his position a few weeks later in another telecast (which I happen to have a copy of, and is also on Youtube) by clearly stating that, "It was not a slip of the tongue.." (as many who hold him in high esteem had been saying).

Everything God created is good [Gen.1:31]. And part of what God created is sex, our desire for it, as well our capacity to enjoy it. And these too, are good. However, sexual intercourse was created to be enjoyed ONLY in a marriage context.

By definition, Masturbation is "the act of giving yourself sexual pleasure by rubbing your sexual organs," (Oxford, 2010).

The concept of masturbation is basically deriving sexual pleasure n' satisfaction in a manner that is not ordained by God. If God is the one that created sex, as well as our capacity to enjoy it, He therefore has right to determine/ prescribe the manner & context in which it can be enjoyed.

Unlike the sexual desire God created, lust is a bodily passion. It is a perversion of that which God intended for good. It is essentially a strong sexual craving, aimed at that which God has forbidden (ie. Sex outside marriage). Where as sexual desire is perfectly natural n' enables a married man/ woman to enjoy sexual intercourse, lust develops when "by one's sinful desires, a person is dragged away and enticed," (James1:14). Lust is normally fanned by what we watch (eg. Movies, magazines), what we listen to (eg. Songs, erotic stories from peers), as well as what we read (eg. Erotic novels and stories in online or printed articles). Lust is sinful firstly becoz God says so (1Pet4:3, Col3:5, 2Pet2:18, 1Corint7:9b, Prov6:25, Gal5:19-21). But secondly, it is sinful because, it drives one to imagine him/ herself enjoyin that which disgusts God. That for which Christ was crucified! Therefore, He says, "Whoever looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matt5:28. This is becoz, when u are havin lustful thots, the only thing keepin u from committing the sin physically is circumstance. Otherwise, given the ideal environment n' opportunity to do so, u wud seize it! However, God's will is that we shud keep away from sin becoz of our LOVE for him, n' not our fear of diseases, pregnancy or pipo walkin in on us. He wants us to hate sin for what it is. To "learn to control our bodies in a manner that is holy n' honorable, n' not in PASSIONATE LUST like the non-believer do.." 1Thessalon4:3-5.

One of the major reasons masturbation can NEVER be justified is becoz, without doubt, it is a product of passionate lust. In the earlier mentioned telecast n' article, Pastor Chris' underpinning argument is that "the sin is LUST, & not the masturbation that results from it. Because, masturbation is a habit like any other." This cannot be true simply because, whereas the Bible clearly forbids us to ACT OUT OF passionate lust as the non-believers do [1Thess4:5], that's exactly what masturbation is. In the telecast, he further argues that, "we cannot say that eating bread is wrong simply because we know someone who stole bread and ate it. In the same way, masturbation is NOT sinful, but the lust that leads to it is." This kind of reasoning is faulty because, if we are to go by it, even stealing wud not be sinful, except for the Covetousness or lack of contentment that leads to it. Therefore, if God is disgusted by Lustful thots, how much more what they lead to and what sustains them? Hence, not only is it improper for God's holy children [as Eph5:3 puts it], but also it offends God, becoz your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit [1Corinth6:18-20].

In addition, masturbation involves the arousal n' gratification of ones sexual desires in an illegitimate manner. Illegitimate in that, God the law giver does not approve. Masturbation is essentially sex with yourself. And so, eventho we may have no control over certain things that can arouse our sexual feelings, He requires that we "LEARN TO CONTROL OUR BODIES in a manner that is holy and honorable."1Thess4:4.

Therefore my beloved friend, if u are in the habit of masturbating, I wud like u to know that it is a SIN against God, and that He can enable u quit it (Titus2:11-12). I also urge all who will read this to live Self-controlled lives, becoz the ability to deny yourself that which u desire, primarily becoz God does not approve, is one of the surest ways of knowing that His Spirit lives in you!

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Time

"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." ~ Psalm 90:12.

One thing Zambians are very poor at is keeping time. The average meeting in Zambia will start 30 minutes to an hour late. As far as I know, only exams start on time. It is actually a chronic problem. The reason why Zambians are poor with time is simply because they, or should I say 'we', do not value time. And the reason for that is we think we have a lot of it.

Anything that you have in excess will not be valued. If you have plenty of money, generally, you will be reckless with it. A child with plenty of sweets will not keep track of (or as the bible passage above puts it, 'number') them. As long as you think you have a lot of something, you will not value it. After all, there's plenty of it.

If a man is told that at this very moment tomorrow he will die i.e. He will die in exactly 24 hours, he will 'number' his hours. He won't be reckless with his time, he will put every minute to good use. Why? He no longer has 'all the time in the world'.

That phrase, "All the time in the world", is actually one of the greatest lies on the earth as far as time is concerned. In fact, the bible is quite clear about how little time any given person has:

Job 7:7~ Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again.

Psalm 144:4~ Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow.

Proverbs 27:1~ Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

James 4:14~ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

There are a few more verse on top of these that hammer the same nail. Life is brief. The one thing that we do not have is time.

Ask any parent who's child has gone off to college or gotten married, they'll tell you. "It feels like yesterday when he/she was just a little baby."

One of the principles that can help with ones attitude towards time is to realize what a great resource time is. Isn't it amazing that two men will be given the same amount of time and yet one will achieve up to five times more than the other? Why? Because for the one, time is something that he uses to the full while for the other time is meant to be 'passed'. Isn't it amazing that one 21 old takes the gold medal at the Olympics in one of the swimming competitions while millions of others hold no achievement that can compare even slightly? They both had exactly the same amount of time only that one maximized on the resource.

The people most blessed with the resource of time are young people. If there is one resource at the disposal of youths, it is time. Unfortunately, many squander away their youth doing nothing productive and at the end of their teen years discover, they don't really have anything to point to as an achievement. Some, however, do use their time wisely. Those are the young people who turn into the great sports men and women of our world, the great men and women of wealth, the great minds of the day and so on. People who picked up interests or recognized certain abilities in themselves and poured themselves wholly into them. They would never be where they are today if they never recognized the great resource of time that was at their disposal and used it to the full.

A second principle that can help improve one's attitude towards time is simply to take seriously the brevity of life. To realize that they really don't have all the time in the world. When you realize how brief life is and that you are not guaranteed tomorrow, you will make the most of your time and therefore gain a heart of wisdom.

That's what Psalm 90:12 is all about. When we number our days which simply means valuing our days, we will make the most of each day and therefore be wiser men and women.

Notice however, that Moses, the writer of these words, asks the Lord to teach him. We would do well to make a similar request to our God.

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The Image of Christian Rap

This week, I saw this on a friend's facebook wall:

The caption read, "Mighty men of God right here".

I commented and said, "They look like thugs."

The response was, "Thugs for Jesus bro!"

Thugs for Jesus. They can dress, gesture, wear tattoos and walk like the worldly rappers, but as long as they say 'Jesus' and 'the cross' and 'grace' in their lyrics, its OK, after all they're doing it for Jesus. I wrote that my primary problem with Christian rap is not the rap itself but rather my own connotations and associations to rap in my mind that make me uncomfortable with it. My secondary problem with it, that would help my primary problem greatly, is its image.

Observe the following...

 

 

Shall I rest my case? I apologize if I threw in any worldly rapper in the set of pictures. The truth is I just couldn't tell the difference.

I repeat, the mannerisms, the gestures, the dressing, the chains, the hand signals, the tattoos etc, are all reminiscent of what is happening in the worldly rapper's world. These men may have their hearts in the right place. They may truly be Christians but they must realize that it is not just about the message. The way the message is given is also important. God must be glorified by both the message and how its delivered. How can you bring what is seen in the world into church? Yes, they have taken the art from its worldly use but surely can the addition of Christ to the art bring out what is pictured above? I don't think so.

I do not see God glorified. I see God honored with lips but not with actions. I see a genre that puts me off but the striking resemblance it has with the way it's used in the world. Unless this changes many like me I believe will only find it all the more difficult to be open to Christian rap. Christian rappers out there, what you are doing could save a generation but how you do it could just as easily ruin it.

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Christian Rap

Downloading some books on Writing from "free-ebooks.net", I saw a book entitled "1 God". The description of the book was: "522 pages of poems depicting the Omniscient Creator, irrefutably proving that there is only one Creator who created this whole universe...". Needless to say, I was hooked! Like a car flying to the finish line in the last stretch of road I was headed for the download button with my mouse. And then I saw the name of the author -Nikhil Parekh.

Oops!

Well, that 'car' headed for the download button came to a screeching halt for the author was Indian. This brought questions in my mind as to which deity this book spoke of considering that India is a deeply religious nation with at least 8 major religions and a million 'Gods'. The comments on the book confirmed my hesitation with comments such as "The writer really needs to sit and think about everything that is right and not mix up faiths, as was done in the front pages."

I know of at least two powerful Indian Christian-make that three-Yahweh serving preachers and so it wouldn't have been so fat fetched that Nikhil Parekh would happen to be of a Christian persuasion and that his book would be about Yahweh, however in my mind Indians are synonymous with the worship of thousands of deities other than Yahweh and so I hesitated.

I have a similar problem with Christian Rap.

I think rap has established itself in our day as musical art, a force to be reckoned with. Whether you accept it or not, or like it or not, rap is a musical genre. One of my most favorite preachers bashed it as a none creative form of music but I disagree. Rap music can be very well crafted and presented. I have heard and enjoyed a few rap songs which have appealed greatly to me, even non-Christian in fact although I do not particularly enjoy the genre.

However, I cannot accept Christian Rap in a church I attend. I can accept it at a concert (in extremely limited measure -I cannot bring my self to attend a rap concert) or in my mp3 player (a song or two) but not in the Sunday church service. This is not because of Christian rap itself but because of the things rap is associated to in my head. My mind associates rap with certain things. I associate it with Tupac, Jay-Z, Eminem and so on. I cannot worship aright in a church service with such connotations and associations going on in my head. And so for the weaker brother, in this case me, I will be a member of a church where fellow weaker brethren are.

Some churches do not suffer from such associations and connotations and so accept rap in their meetings. I have no problem with that, but I cannot manage to be a member with them, I can probable attend one or two services and survive but that's it. Indians are to idolatry as rap is to Tupac -its a connotation, an association, a perception in my head and as wrong as they may be, they do exist.

Having said that I do feel that rap can be used to the glory of God. I feel it would be an invaluable tool in winning the unregenerate of my generation (I am one of them but I am not of them, I'm old school :-) ). It would be meeting them where they are and at their level. It would be speaking to them in a language they understand. However, the Christian rappers have a lot of work to do, in redefining the image of rap. And I do not see enough effort on this issue from the Christian rap society.

The only thing that seems to have changed are the lyrics. The mannerisms, gestures, dressing, body art, chains etc, are all the same. Surely, it must be different. No wonder I struggle still. Someone at a concert comes up to rap and other than the lyrics everything else is the same. The so-called Christian rap concerts have the same aura and wildness of worldly rap concerts. No wonder the unregenerate feel right at home at those concerts rather than challenged and convicted. That is the challenge that Christian rappers face today. God help them.

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Is It OK To Take Alcohol?

"It must be surely!" Many say, "after all, even Jesus turned water into wine." That argument seems to be the most quoted by those on the "It's OK" wing.



Yes, it is true. Jesus attended a wedding where the wine ran out and saved the day by providing wine miraculously from water. There are many other positive references regarding the taking of wine in the bible. Wine was fermented in order to preserve it and so was certainly alcoholic even in those days.

He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for people to cultivate— bringing forth food from the earth: wine that gladdens human hearts, oil to make their faces shine, and bread that sustains their hearts. ~Psalm 104:14-15.


Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. ~Proverbs 31:6-7.
Note: In the preceding verses of this particular scripture, the writer says that alcohol must not be taken by those in authority lest they make decisions without sound judgement.

Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses.~ 1 Timothy 5:23.


On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine— the best of meats and the finest of wines. ~ Isaiah 25:6.

There are several more verses which can be used to argue that it is OK to take alcohol but there are also some verses that can be used to argue against it. I will not argue for or against taking wine necessarily, however, I will give reasons as to why I do not.

To begin with, the bible does not out rightly condemn taking alcohol, however it does condemn in no uncertain terms, drunkenness. Paul, for instance, mentions drunkenness, in his letter to the Galatian saints, among many other 'acts of the sinful nature' stating that those guilty of such, will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. ~ Galatians 5:19-21.

The only conventional way of getting drunk is to drink alcohol. I do not think it prudent to walk close the edge of the pit of drunkenness by taking alcoholic drink even if it be moderately. I think it would be wiser to avoid it altogether. That is the first reason why I abstain from it.


The second reason is because I want to love my neighbour. I would have said, "I love my neighbour", but most times I do not. However, I desire to.


In my culture (and by culture I mean the worldview of those in the region where I reside), alcohol and Christianity are antithetical. A pastor who spends his evenings drinking in bars will soon have an empty church. Any school boy/girl walking home with friends would not be proud to identify their Pastor if they saw him in a bar drinking. It would be shameful. Thus if I am going to be a light to those around, those in my culture, I will abstain from alcohol. No one can be attracted to Christ in a man who takes alcohol -not in my culture. And for Paul, his desire for people to come to Christ, i.e. to be saved, dictated how he lived only after the requirements of God. Thus he said:


¹⁹For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. ²⁰ To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. ²¹To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. ²² To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. ²³I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings. ~1 Cor 9:19-23 (ESV).


It is always surprising to see 'Christians' in Zambia arguing that it is OK to take alcohol. How do they expect to reach a dying country/region with the gospel? Anyone with a bible in one hand and alcohol in the other will be mocked. If Jesus was born to a culture such as mine, I'd bet my life, he would not take alcohol simple because his desire for alcohol would be nothing compared to his desire to see men and women, boys and girls, accept him as the Son of God and be saved.


Those are the two reasons why I do not take alcohol.


Thanks for reading.

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10 Reasons Not to Have Sex Outside of Marriage

By Mary Fairchild

Reason #1 - God Tells Us Not to Have Sex Outside of Marriage

In the seventh of God's Ten Commandments, he instructs us not to have sex with anyone other than our spouse. It is clear that God forbids sex outside of marriage. When we obey God, he is pleased. He honors our obedience by blessing us.

Deuteronomy 28:1-3

If you fully obey the LORD your God ... [he] will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God ... (NIV)

God has a reason for giving us this command. First and foremost, he knows what's best for us. By obeying him, we trust God to look out for our best interests.



Reason #2 - We Won't Miss Out on the Blessing of the Wedding Night

There's something very special about a couple's first time. In this physical act the two become one flesh. Yet it is more than just physical oneness — a spiritual union takes place. God planned for this exclusive experience of discovery and pleasure to happen only within the intimacy of marriage. If we don't wait, we miss out on a very special blessing from God.

1 Corinthians 6:16

Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." (The Message)



Reason #3 - We Will Be Spiritually Healthier

If we live as carnal or fleshly Christians, we will seek to gratify the desires of the flesh and live only to please ourselves. If we live this way, the Bible says we cannot please God. We will be miserable under the weight of our sin. As we continue to feed our fleshly desires, our spirit will grow weak and our relationship with God will be destroyed. Complacency with sin leads to worse sin, and eventually, spiritual death.

Romans 8:8,13

Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live ... (NIV)



Reason #4 - We Will Be Physically Healthier

This one is a no-brainer. If we refrain from sex outside of marriage, we will be protected from the risk of catching sexually transmitted diseases.

1 Corinthians 6:18

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (NLT)



Reason #5 - We Will Be Emotionally Healthier

One reason God tells us to honor marriage and keep the marriage bed pure has to do with baggage. We carry baggage into our sexual relationships. Memories from the past, emotional scars and unwanted mental images can defile our thoughts and make the marriage bed less than pure. Certainly God can forgive the past, but that doesn't mean we're free from the baggage that can linger in our minds.

Hebrews 13:4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
 


Reason #6 - We Will Show Consideration for Our Partner's Well-Being

If we put our partner's needs above our own and consider their spiritual well-being, we'll be compelled to wait for sex. We, like God, will want what's best for them.

Ephesians 5:2

Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. (NLT)

Philippians 2:3

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; (NASB)



Reason #7 - Waiting is a Test of True Love

Love is patient. That's about as simple as it gets. We can learn the sincerity of our partner's love by their willingness, or lack thereof, to wait.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking ... (NIV)



Reason #8 - We Will Have No Negative Consequences to Deal With

There are always consequences to sin. Some of those effects can be devastating. An unwanted pregnancy, a decision to have an abortion or place a child for adoption, broken relationships with family and friends — these are just a few of the possible outcomes we face when we choose to have sex outside of marriage. We should be sure to consider the snow ball effect of sin. And what if the relationship does not last? Hebrews 12:1 shows that sin hinders our lives and easily entangles us. We will be much better off if we avoid these negative consequences.



Reason #9 - We Will Keep Our Christian Testimony Intact

We don't set a very good example of godly living when we disobey God. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 4:12 to "be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." (NIV)

In Matthew 5:13 Jesus compares his followers to "salt" and "light" when we represent him in the world. When we no longer shine the light of Christ, when we lose our Christian testimony, we lose our "saltiness." In other words, we become flavorless and bland. We lose our ability to attract the world to Christ. Luke 14:34-35 puts it strongly, saying that salt without saltiness is worthless, not even fit for the manure pile.



Reason #10 - We Won't Settle For Less Than God's Perfect Will

When we choose to have sex outside of marriage, we settle for less than God's perfect will — for ourselves and for our partner. And if we do this, we don't know what we might end up with. Perhaps we'll end up in a miserable marriage.

So, here's some food for thought: If your partner wants sex before marriage, consider this as a warning sign about their spiritual condition. If you are the one who wants sex before marriage, consider this as a warning sign of your own spiritual condition.

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What Do You Expect?

Not too long ago, my cousin asked me one morning, "What is it with women and insecurity? Why is my girlfriend so untrusting and insecure? She's always asking me whether I'm misbehaving now that she's away and we are apart." My answer to that question was, "What do you expect?"

His query is probably an issue in many of today's relationships and marriages in the world. Trust is rare. The average man will not restrain himself as far as his girlfriend/fiancee is concerned. He will not respect her sexuality. He will pass comments which are sexually suggestive and will be flirtatious in his relationship with her. Many are so perverse and unbiblical, lacking all subtlety even as to demand physical intimacy and sex as a sign of true love! That's pathetic! True love is about the happiness and welfare of the other individual. In ignorance, some ladies will not discourage this behaviour and others even oblige due to the influence of western culture as portrayed in movies and songs.

Now, what happens in the mind of the young lady when they are apart? She worries that if this fellow cannot restrain himself with me, if he cannot wait for the right time (which in there unregenerate mind would be "when I 'feel' ready" rather than "when God says I will be ready i.e. when we're married"), what would stop him from pursuing others in my absence? If he can't restrain himself with me (when I am right there) how could he possibly restrain himself with others when I am absent. Consequently, she become insecure. Always calling him to task asking him to account for day or hour and asking friends to spy on him, always throwing accusations at any sign of secrecy or suspicion. And this follows into marriage making it a living hell.

The poor depraved fellow begins wondering in his ignorant mind, like my cousin, why? Why can't she trust me? Can't she see I love her? My response is, What do you expect? To me its like slapping yourself in the face over and over and screaming, "Why?! Why does my face hurt?!", what on earth do you expect?

But when a man decides to follow the word of God and respects his girlfriend/fiancee it leaves a certain impression on her. When he tells her that he has drawn certain lines that he will not cross in their relationship, he, in fact, wins her trust and respect. When he goes so far as to say, ours will be a hands off relationship, She wonders, "If this man will overcome his desire to say certain things to me or to touch me who is reserved for him, he surely wouldn't do it to anybody else." And when she hears that her fellow did this or that or was sighted here or there, she smiles and waves her finger in the accusers face saying, "Not my man! He has so much respect for me, and I for him I trust him entirely. You've got the wrong guy!" Who wouldn't want his girlfriend, fiancee or wife to say that of him? I sure would!

Many would say, "What? Restrain myself from my own girl? That's insane! That's not manly and masculine! That's unheard of!", well go ahead then, go that way and see what will become of your relationship. Otherwise, obey God and his law and be blessed in your relationship!

Deuteronomy 28:1-3


If you fully obey the LORD your God ... [he] will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God ...

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The Heart Of The Matter

Just recently I was honoured with a request to sit on a board. It was concerning a new 'movement' that some guys wanted to start. They were calling young people from about three different churches to sit on that board. It was basically a bid to start what seems to be happening in other countries and was started by two guys in America who happen to be identical twins. Its called "The Rebelution", defined as a teenage rebellion against the low expectations of an ungodly culture. In essence it is encouraging teens to do 'big things' in their teen years. Its a 'good idea' but one I am not ready to throw my weight in due to... read on.

A friend of mine shared his dream and vision with me a couple weeks ago. It reminded me of something I learnt while away from home. He told me of how his University dilapidated and had never actually been completed since its initial construction some 50yrs (plus-minus) ago. His dream and vision was to see his school restored to its former state and completed. He attends the biggest and oldest higher institution of learning in the land and so it was no small deal.

He wanted to rally up as many sponsors as possible from graduate students, the government, well wishers, current students, NGOs, companies etc. It was a massive idea and would take alot to accomplish.

Well, I didn't really want to discourage him, but I did mention before commending him, that I once had dreams like that...

I know our nation is in bad condition. Jobs are hard to find, for many finishing school is like hitting a dead end, nowhere to go from there, colleges are either full, unavailable or unaffordable.

I know about the sickness and poverty and corruption. I know about the street kids. I know that AIDS is rearing its dark shadow over the nation. I realise that young men are drinking their lives away and how great a waste of resource it is for our country. Many times I have thought up ideas and solutions to solve these problems. "Maybe if I did this or that", I'd think. I even considered entering politics after school and causing some positive influence. I've always dreamed of changing our nation somehow or other, but all these initiatives, dreams and visions have since ceased. And that is exactly what I told my friend.

The question was, of course, why? Why'd I give up on those dreams? Dreams of changing the face of our nation as we know it today?

Well, those dreams ceased when I realised the heart of the matter. I was working on the presupposition that the more comfortable, developed and wealthy a society is, the better it becomes. I thought, the eradication of the many things that are pulling our nation down, would make things more pleasant and everyone would be happy.

I had the privilege of living in a society whose welfare was far better than where I was from. It was a whole new world for me. Proper roads and road networks, good health care, more jobs, availability of education, etc. It was a far cry from what I was accustomed to. I remember thinking if only home was like this, things would be better. It didn't take long for me to find that my ideal society was not ideal at all. It seemed that the more sophisticated a society was, the more sophisticated its sin was as well. I was hearing and seeing things I'd never even dreamed. The development, comfort and wealth of a society obviously wasn't the issue, there was a deeper and more serious problem other than the lack of the aforementioned, namely, the problem of sin.

No amount of development or sophistication could make a society better, because the problem is not a lack of development or sophistication. The problem isn't a lack of health care or education or the prevalence of corruption, poverty or sickness. The problem is the heart of man. Jeremiah says, "the human heart is the most deceitful of ALL things and DESPERATELY wicked, who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9). This is common for a poor or rich man. Educated man or uneducated man, Simple or sophisticated man. They all have one thing in common, sinful hearts.

Any efforts to better a man are useless without Jesus Christ. Its the same with a community or nation. The gospel is the answer.

I am not saying that we should not help people or engage in or aid humanitarian efforts but its not something you'd want to throw the bulk of your resources in because it doesn't change lives like the gospel does. Our energies must be spent, more than anywhere else, in something that actually cures and saves, the gospel. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life fighting and working towards a better economy. I'd just help where I can. I'd rather spend and be spent most for the spreading of the gospel because I know, that Jesus is the answer for the world today!

My buddy, if he goes ahead with his plan, will spend alot of energy, time and money. Imagine what could result if he spent those resources in the only thing that will ever make his University better, the gospel! I'd feel differently if the spreading of the gospel was included in his plan. The rebelution, as well, will improve lives (after a lot of sweat blood and tears [and time and money]) but again, what about the only cure for man kind, the gospel? Where is it in there?

Wealth doesn't improve a man's well being, the gospel does.

You can take a man from poverty and give him a better life but he will remain the empty sinner he was. Unless you give him Christ, you havn't given him anything.

We can rebuild our towns and roads, and improve our transport systems, and elevate our economy and educate and medicate the people but unless we offer our nation the Lord Jesus Christ along with that, we would have done nothing other than waste our resources. And besides:

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past,
Only what's done for Christ will last."

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Chamu

I remember my first impression of him. He seemed like a sort of silent burner. He was never noisy in class but he struck me as a rather naughty fellow.



I recall when our teacher of Math & Physics passed a comment. He was a funny man but very serious at the same time, never laughed at all. If something was very funny he'd tighten the muscles on his face just so he wouldn't be able to smile. So, we'd laugh alot in his classes. One day, after cracking one of his jokes, or saying something funny, he pointed at Chamu at the back of the class and teased him saying, look at that fellow, he has very little skin on his face and so when he smiles, his eyes shut! We has a good laugh. And it was true. His eyed would close when he smiled or laughed.



I could be pretty irritating sometimes. One day, all of us from our class were outside the class room. I found a small piece of mirror on the ground and started reflecting the sunlight off it onto people's eyes. I got a laugh out of the irritation people got. I did it to Chamu. I think he told me to quit it at first, I did it again and then he came after me! He started shoving me backwards and advancing after each push all the while telling me stuff I can't remember. I thought of retaliating but then two thoughts crossed my mind. First that I didn't want to be in a fight and second that I started it. Thankfully, that was the first and last time Chamu and I ever clashed.



Chamu started seeing a classmate of ours. I recall seeing him kiss her. I don't mean kiss her, I mean KISS her. It was a really strange sight to me. I had really only seen it in the movies plus I didn't realise those high school flings were that serious.



It seems he really liked his girlfriend. I remember laughing at him with the other guys when we were at the boarding house. We had all just gotten back from our classes. Chamu jumped onto his bed which was adjacent to the wall, and stayed on the bed facing the wall for hours. Apparently he had gotten into an argument with her and what we were seeing were the results. We all laughed at him since it wasn't consist with his manly front.



I was pretty good friends with his girlfriend (I'd like to think). One time, I forget what Chamu did, but I convinced her that we should "go tell Chamu how disappointed we were with him that he could do such a thing". I meant it as a joke, and his girlfriend seemed to get it. When we got to him, he was standing with someone or something, I started it, "Chamu, we just thought we should tell you that we are disappointed...". I was smiling and acting alittle dramatic, his girlfriend grew cold feet it seemed and only added some emphatic yes-es here and there. Well later when we were with the guys, Chamu expressed his disappointment in me. I was totally surprised, I thought we had all caught on!



He was a pretty good swimmer, or so people said. He didn't really impress me. He was really good at staying long under water. He'd take a deep breath and swim all around the pool along the wall and not come up for air. He was the only one of two at the school boarding house who could do that.



Most of the guys in my class had nicknames, actually I think we all gave each other nicknames, Chamu was called hamster I think! I forget how he got that name...



Chamu, I just learned, died after an illness.



The news of his death hit me pretty hard which surprised me because we weren't close. I always imagined my classmates and I would one day meet at a reunion, and bring our families and catch up and reminisce. Death was not part of the plan. I hope, somehow, he was saved.

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The Unofficial Relationship (Part 1)

I love this picture of contemporary christian musicians Shane Bernard & Bethany Dillon's wedding, I think it goes well with the title of the post.

I'm on facebook and I changed my relationship status from "single" to "its complicated". Well, I was thinking one day (yes, I think, occasionally) and I realised that while I was not in a relationship, I wasn't really single. It was then that I coined the phrase "Unofficial Relationship" to describe what sort of situation I was in.

Many people are actually in unofficial relationships, from hence forth referred to as "UOR".

Here are two people who like each other but for some reason or other cannot commit. I've seen it happen between a young man seeking a young woman. He likes her and has made his position clear. The young lady does not give a no but doesn't give a yes either. Perhaps she says, give me time or not right now. The two begin hanging out, or talking alot. The young man buys her gifts and talks to her alot. They become close sharing what is happening in their lives, enjoying many benefits of being in a relationship but are not really. The two individuals isolate themselves.

Or perhaps its a guy, alittle too young to seek a girl, a teenager, still a dependant. He likes a girl and starts sending her alot of text messages or calling her and chatting with her. The girl likes him back and before long they become close and go for walks perhaps and he buys her gifts, maybe she does the same. They enter into an UOR. For teens nowadays whether Christian or non-Christian, I've observed, the chap sees the girl, likes her and pursues her. They get hitched and "breakup" in due course (ever noticed they just never last, these teen/post-teen relationships?)

Its not always the same, but the idea of isolation and developing a rather close friendship is prominent. The feelings are typically mutual or else there wouldn't be an UOR in the first place.

Basically an UOR is a relationship between a male and female (ideally) where while the two have not committed to each other they have isolated each other. While they may not necessarily do everything that two people in an official relationship do, they do things which two people in an ordinary friendship do not do, they are somewhere in between the mere friendship and the official relationship.

I call it unofficial for obvious reasons, if you ask the two individuals whether they are in a relationship, the answer will be a definite no. But if you ask them how often they talk to each other, how much time the see each other, how often they are together, you will soon find, that there is some sort of "thing" going on.

Now (Paul Washer always goes to the next point of his sermon like that, "Now, ..."), UOR are dangerous and unbiblical making them wrong. I hope to discuss that in Part II.

I have "charged" two people of being in UORs both of whom actually were, they both bitterly denied it, which is natural for people in UORs. The first person I "charged" was a young lady, she denied it because she had been approached by the young man and liked him but still wasn't so sure she wanted to see him and didn't want to feel or appear bound. Yet she entertained him and accepted his gifts and attention. The other was a man, he too denied it, I don't know why. In his particular case he sought the young lady and she basically said it was too early but she liked him too and now they are bound to each other by virtue of the fact that he had declared his love and she her like and now it would be betrayal on her part if she started seeing another man either now or later cause he's waiting.

I was going to give a list of things to help someone better judge whether or not they are in an UOR, but here is a simple test.

The official relationship and the UOR have alot of things in common but here is the clincher. In both, the individuals are bound. In the official relationship, it would be taboo for any of the mates to begin pursuing anyone other than their mate and it would hurt their partner. Its exactly the same in an UOR. The two are bound to each other. The man has shown his interest by the attention and gifts and the lady likes him and so entertains him. Should the man "move on", the lady will feel betrayed.

"He sent me all those signs only to leave me."

Were you together?

"No."

Then why are you hurt, why do you feel betrayed? I'll tell you why, you decided to enjoy a relationship without committing. You consented to an UOR.

Or perhaps the man is the victim when the lady accepts another man who approaches her.

"I sent her all those gifts, all those text messages, all those chats we had, all that time we talked and spent time together, yet she was just using me to pass time, I feel betrayed."

Were you seeing each other?

"No."

Then why feel betrayed? You were not in a relationship so she was still a free woman.

And the problem is, you cannot take your mate to task for leaving you because it wasn't official. The papers were not signed as it were. All it would take is for your mate to say, "No we weren't." and that would be it.

If your "friend" suddenly started seeing someone or entertaining someone other than you, would you feel hurt or betrayed? My dear friend, you are in an Unofficial Relationship and it is dangerous and it isn't biblical.

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Relationship Craze (2 Questions)

I am on facebook, and from what I've seen, everyone is in a relationship. Either that or they just broke up! Its crazy! There are teens out there who are in relationships who can't even spell the word "relationship". I intend to write alot on this issue because I think its one of the big issues among Christian youths, especially among those I relate with at church and in my community. For now, an admission and two inevitable questions.

I have never had a girlfriend in my life. Since I know of only one other person like me, my admission begs two questions, in my mind at least.

1) Am I normal?!! &

2) Where on earth have I been??

Well first of all, I am normal. I'm abnormal as far as my friends, schoolmates, church mates and community mates are concerned but *very* normal as far as the bible is concerned:

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the
field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. ~Song of Solomon 2:7

I'm normal alright. There is a difference between awakening love when you desire and when love, itself, desires. More of that later.

As for the question "where have I been?", I wish I could say I haven't been in one because I have never wanted to but alas my answer has little to do with me. Its not because I'm holy or spiritual or whatever. In my world where everyone around me is or has been in a romantic relationship, I have been spared by God's grace alone. I've been preserved by God. I hope he continues to preserve me until love so desires.

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Funeral or Party?*

A couple of weeks ago we had a memorial service at church for one of the youths who died about a year ago. He's name was John Kumwenda. John's death came as a shock to all the youths of the church. I recall the day he died very well. The youths had organised a "careers seminar" and had invited two schools to attend. It was huge. The entire church building was teeming with students in there final high school year. One after the other, speakers with different vocations gave 15 minute presentations on their respective careers. The careers seminar was held on a Saturday and was a whole day event. After lunch, the presentations continued. We all knew John was in hospital. My buddy and I planned to pay him a visit after the careers meeting. At about 3pm, I think it was, one of the girls came to where my friend and I were sitting. Being a very charismatic girl, full of surprises, my buddy and I thought, she was just being her, coming to sit between us uninvited. She came to our bench, we moved apart to allow her to sit. She looked me in the eye and told me that John had just died. She told my buddy as well. Words can't describe the emotions that overwhelmed me in that moment. I had known John all my life and though we weren't close friends, we had an understanding. I always imagined that we'd all grow up and marry and have kids. John's death was not part of the plan. Not before we had lived our lives and grown up. It was unbelievable.



Our sister in the Lord didn't wait for us to swallow the news. She got up to go and tell the other youth members who were sitted in the seminar. My friend and I walked out and found clusters of youths outside, all trying to realise what had happened. John was gone.



Later that day, I asked my friend whether he would linger at the funeral home. He replied with a statement I'll never forget because of its truth. "This is our funeral."



One year later, we had John's memorial. Time sure flies! After the funeral service, at the grave site, I looked around and saw the graveness of the occasion. It was a somber moment as I saw how saddening the sight in front of me was. Graves in their tens and hundreds. Grave after grave. Name after name. Epitaph after epitaph.



It was then that I remembered Ecclesiastes 7:2, "It is better to be in a house of mourning, than a house of feasting." I immediately turned to my friend, who is the unfortunate homo sapien who has the unfortunate burden of hearing my every thought and musing! I whispered to him, "The bible says, it is better to be here than to be at a party." He looked around him and replied, "I wonder why."



His response transported me to the happenings of the previous night. I had sat in the sitting room at home, by myself, with the booklet that had been printed for John's memorial in my hands. It contained among other things, testimonies from John's family and friends. Those testimonies were glowing. John's friend from church testified of his wisdom beyond his years. How that John helped him grow in his Christian walk and how that John knew when to speak and when to be silent. John's brother called him "the best big brother anyone could ever have". John's Aunt spoke of how John was a very serious but humorous young man, dearly loved by his cousins. John's brother boasted of how John was brilliant at his academics. John had some glowing reviews in that booklet!



After reading through the testimonies, I couldn't help but feel depressed. I thought of what my family and friends would write about me if I died. I thought of how much they'd have to struggle to find excellent things to write about me. I discovered that in this life, I had been doing very little worth writing home about. I tossed John's little booklet on the table, pointed at John's smiling face on the front cover and said, "John, you're making me look bad."



My mind raced back to where it ought to have been and with it, an answer to my friend's, "I wonder why" reply. I whispered back to my buddy, "Because it puts life into perspective." "Then I don't want to put life into perspective," He said. "Then, you're a fool." I retorted.



I think it would be a good idea to attend a funeral or memorial at least once a month, preferably, once every two weeks. Imagine the life of an individual who attends a party every weekend (Our workmates and worldly friends actually do that, don't they?). Imagine how distorted his view of life this party boy will be. He would begin to think that life is a party, that we are meant to have fun all the time and live life like there is no tomorrow. He will develop an unrealistic view of life.



Imagine the life of one who, on the hand, attends a funeral every weekend. Every weekend, he will be reminded of the brevity of life. The fact that we can die any time and we must, therefore, be prepared. That man who attends a funeral every week will develop a sober view of life. He will live life objectively. He will reserve money for his children after seeing the death of a father, he will work hard for the Lord after seeing a young man in his casket. He will spend and be spent for God, after attending the funeral of a wealthy man who gained the whole world but lost his soul. Death brings us to the reality of life and puts things into perspective. It helps us make the right decisions when setting priorities in life. It is indeed better to to be in a house of mourning than a house of feasting.



After attending John's memorial service, I strive today, to be more productive, more concerned about my family and more importantly, about the things of God. John's memorial helped me put things back into perspective. Unfortunately, we easily forget-No wonder a funeral a month would be a good resolution.



*In loving memory of John Kumwenda (1986-2008)

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...With God & Man

In the first week of this year, our youth ministry, at church, held elections for a new set of leaders. Now I have been a good boy, or more appropriately, a good man through 2008. No girls, no messing around, no rumors circulating about me as has been the case in the past etc.

Apart from the absence of negatives over the year 2008, there the presence of positives. I became quite involved at church, helping out alot. I also lead, along with my buddy, Henry, the guy quoted under the title of my blog, the preparations for our annual youth concert which is a fundraising effort hosted by the church youths to earn money for our annual youth camp. It was a huge success financially although the quality of the show was below par in my view. Anyway, Henry and I got thumbs ups from a few of the youth leaders who were there then. 2008 had been a huge success for me in most of the spheres of my life.

In light of my general conduct and performance over the year 08', I had no doubt in my mind that when the elections for new youth leaders for 2009 came along, I'd make, at the most, the highest office (Chairman) and at the least, the second highest office, Vice Chairman. I also expected that if I made Chairman, my buddy Henry would make Vice and that if I made Vice, Henry would make Chair. In my mind, it was a done deal! We had been great in our conduct and zeal, and we had been a great leadership duo during the concert preparations. We had coordinated well and would therefore be elected, I thought, as the "top two guys" of the ministry.

Well, you know, God's plans are not our plans nor his ways ours. I was in for a rude shock at the beginning of 2009.

Over Christmas and New year, I was away from home and church therefore. I did not attend the elections of new youth leaders. I didn't make Chairman or Vice and to add insult to injury, I didn't make committee member either. By the time the new leadership had been selected, I was just an ordinary member of the youth ministry.

Now, obviously, I need to clarify a couple of things before those given to misconceptions and misinterpretations, do what they do best:

I did not necessarily stay up all night dreaming of being in the leadership of the ministry. Neither did I think of it. The reason being that I expected it to happen. To me it was a done deal, I therefore didn't spend time wishing to be in leadership, I knew for a fact that it would happen. I knew that most of those in the ministry were either young or not Christians, some were recent converts others were recent members. I, on the other hand, knew the ropes, I had experience in the ministry etc. It didn't even register in my mind that any other result could...result. I neither wanted to be in the ministry leadership nor didn't want to be in the ministry leadership. I was assured that because there were very few people who could lead effectively I would certainly be elected. I hope I have made my point.

My thoughts were confirmed by the result of the elections, one brother was literally forced to enter leadership. He had objected due to the fact that he had only just arrived in the ministry, another was elected into leadership after having been in the ministry for only a short while, his still learning the ropes as you are reading this. One turned down the role of leader and a fourth was completely lost as to what to do in their posting. Now, all these guys are my good friends two guys and two girls, I have no serious objections to their being leaders but I'm simply illustrating the fact that there were very few people to properly lead and I therefore knew for sure that I'd end up as a leader because of the shortage of capable guys.

So, while I was away over Christmas and New year, the first warning sign came. My friend told me that she had been elected into leadership. Later I heard that Henry had made Chair. I was waiting to hear the words "You were elected Vice !", but to my dismay, nothing. Having known that my buddy Henry would either make Chair or Vice, I was further distraught at the fact that elections had taken place and he had not communicated to say that we were the "top men" of the ministry. I even called him later about a separate issue and he didn't tell me that he had made Chair let alone that elections had been held.

Now I speak about "making chair" or "making vice" like its something to fight for or something to be sought. Well it is.

After the idea of making Vice or Chair set in, it left a sweet taste in my mouth, I began to look forward to it. I wanted to be a leader. Some people might think, "look at this power hungry, selfish kid wanting to be a leader!" Well, Paul says that he who desires the office of overseer (elder/pastor) desires a noble thing. I say, in the same vein, he who desires the office of ministry leader or youth ministry leader or cell group leader or bible study leader, desires a noble thing.

I heard a sermon, which challenged me so very much entitled "where are the men?" by Denny Kenaston, He spoke of a "pass the ball meeting". We've all been in a "pass the ball meeting" haven't we? "Brother, why don't you open for us in prayer?" "Ah, I'm not really confident, maybe someone else can do it". "Brother, would you give a short devotion before we begin our meeting?" "I'm sorry, am alittle unprepared right now, maybe brother so and so should do it." "Oh! Not me brother. I have a sore throat, maybe brother so and so should do it." And finally all of them finally manage to wrestle one of them down and he is forced to do it. Pass the ball meetings.

Ever since I heard that message were men are rebuked for not taking their place in the church of God, I changed my attitude. I stopped backing down from requests to pray of share or speak, I even began leaping for opportunities! I've lost that flare somewhat, I should listen to that powerful sermon again! Click here to download it.

I'm not embarrassed that I got excited about the idea of being a leader. I began thinking of ideas and ways to boost the ministry and to maximise on its potential. That's why I got depressed when the wrong feedback began coming my way.

Anyway when I got back things only got worse, I found out that the outgoing leaders came up with a proposed list of leaders. I was not on that list. I also found out that my closest friends are the ones who had to suggest my name as the floor was opened to the ministry members to suggest other names apart from those on the list. I was finally knocked out when I was told that almost nobody among the youths voted for me. That did it for me!! I lost my appetite, that evening infact we had pizza for supper and me and pizza have an understanding! But that night I was so depressed that I couldn't eat, and I felt like my stomach had been tied in a knot.

I depressed because the only reason that I could come up with as to why people wouldn't vote for me was that we were not in good terms and as far as I knew, I was in great terms with everybody. I felt betrayed because I sort of felt that people had personal issues with me and yet they continued smiling and laughing with me and their dislike for me was manifested in their not voting for me.

Even some of my own good friends didn't vote for me. The former leaders who congratulated me for the "job well done" on the youth concert didn't include me on their proposed list of leaders. And the half of the former leaders were and are my good friends. Guys I've grown up with. I really felt betrayed.

I didn't know what to do. Shall I approach the guys and ask them why they didn't vote for me or include me on their proposed list of leaders? Or should I let it go and pretend everything is alright? I don't like pretending that things are alright so I made a decision. I approached the former chairman of the ministry to ask him why I was not included on the list of names they were proposing for new leaders to replace himself along with his team.

I finally did. I asked to have a word with him after the service one Sunday. I asked,"You guys (the former leaders) made a list of names you were proposing to take over the leadership of the youth ministry and I was not on that list, well I wanted to find out why." I thought he would studder and stammer but to my surprise he came right out with it, no hesitation. "Basically two reasons," he replied. The first was that he was worried about the way I operated as leader. He had observed something which concerned him while I was leading the concert preps. The second was that he wasn't sure, along with the rest of his team, and for good reason(!), whether or not I would be able to work under Henry. He said his concerns were confirmed by the low vote I got.

Needless to say, I gained alot of respect for this brother who I spoke to, he told me frankly why I was not selected. He also apologised for not pointing out the concerns as soon as they were realised.

Well, I still need clarification but one thing for sure is that I have lost favour in the eyes of people around. It is a problem I should not overlook. There obviously flaws in the way I lead, things that put people off. One cannot be a good leader if they are not firm but the opposite extreme is just as bad, maybe even worse. Its taken a while, but slowly I'm beginning to think interms of working on my flaws rather than thinking that people betrayed me. What I went through though, was very painful and I don't think I have the stomach to stand another ordeal.

The bible requires "Love and Faithfulness" for someone who wants to win favor and a good name in the eyes of both God and men. I don't think I lead others with love. I am pretty faithful but not so loving as I try to get others to do things. I realised this when we read Proverbs 3 in our family devotions. Proverbs 3:1-4:

"My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man."

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Utekefye Umutima (Hold On To It!)

The title above quotes two phrases I hear pretty often, the first is from my mom and the second from a buddy of mine.

Utekefye Umutima is a bemba word. Bemba, is my mother's tribe and language. It is directly translated as, for those who'll read this and won't know, "put your heart [down]". It is actually figurative. What it actually means is, "be patient". I often hear these words from my mother.

The second phrase is, "hold on to it". My Dad is a pastor. During communion/Lord's supper, at our church, the bread is distributed around the congregation and when everyone has gotten a piece, we eat together (at the same time). Same goes for the cup. Well, when my dad is leading communion, he always says, after giving thanks, "the deacons will now pass the emblems round, get a piece, hold on to it..." My friend loves hearing my Dad say that at every communion we have and is ever using the phrase when he is talking. He'll be like, "That's a brilliant idea! Hold on to it and I'll get back to you!" He just loves it, so I hear it, pretty much, every time I am around him.

I want to share something that my Mom always tells me that I've learned to appreciate over the past few months. I'll go to mom and tell her about my latest crush. I'll tell her every single detail and she'll be very interested of course. After we've talked she'll always say, "...UtekefyeUmutima." Then the next day it will be a new crush and I'll be so "in love" and I'll share all the details with my Mom and during our chat she'll say, "Son, you're still young, UtekefyeUmutima!"

What my mom tells me in essence is,"Son be patient, don't rush."

In other words, don't act on your feelings. Be patient, you have so much time ahead of you, there is no need to make rush decisions now.

This trait is absent in most guys these days. It is a norm that once a guy has a crush, he immediately "follows his heart". I call them crushes because they are so fickle.

I've got a friend at school with whom I share my crushes and he would always get puzzled. I'd tell him about my "crush of the week" and because the chap is not saved, he'll ask,"Why don't you go for her?" He has since realised that I don't "go" for anybody. Just because I feel alittle funny when I'm around a particular girl doesn't mean, I'll ask her to be my girlfriend. I am not subject to my feeling, my feelings are subject to me.

You should hear guys discussing their crushes, my goodness! We guys sure go crazy over girls! Girls can confuse guys without them ever knowing it. The thing about these crushes is that they rarely last, I know of very few consistent cases where a guy has a crush for 10 years. Actually I know one, write me if you want details!! Its probly love for that particular case, cause 10years...!

I mentioned earlier how I now appreciate my mothers plea. "UtekefyeUmutima, be patient."

Guys have crushes all the time. Today its this one, tomorrow that one and so on and so forth. Its normal. The mistake we make, is to act on those feelings. Most of the time these crushes are on girls we have never even spoken to, or if we have, maybe just a hi here and a bye there. Obviously it would be foolish to pursue a girl based on a crush. This is because, having a crush and being in love are two extremely different things.

The urge to pursue a romantic relationship with someone we like is strong but there are reasons why we must not. Even though I love a girl, sincerely, it would be foolish of me, a dependant, still living under my parents roof, still being fed and clothed by them, to "go" for her.

My friend and I had an elaborate conversation where we ironed out a few things, lets take his name as X:

Me: Ah, X, I like that girl very much.

X: Really? Why don't you approach her?

Me: Approach her about what?

X: Tell her what you feel for her.

Me: Why would I want to tell her I like her when I don't want to start seeing her?

X: Just tell her what you feel so that she can know. Time flies. You'll find that after months of being in the same school, she'll never know you liked her and may even end up seeing someone else. Tell her you like her so that at least she'll know where you stand.

At this point, I decided that I'd lay out my plans to X. Let me also lay it out to you.

Even though I fell in love with a girl now I'd never approach her. A relationship must lead to marriage. I will not marry until I finish school and I'm settled down and ready to take care of both myself and a woman. Until I arrive at such a state, I will not enter a relationship. If the passion burns alittle too much, well...maybe when this state of independence is in sight.

The reason is, I don't want to fail to get my girlfriend a gift for her birthday because mom refused to give me my allowance for the month.

Also being in a relationship requires a certain level of maturity. This maturity is brought about from responsibilities. A man paying bills looks at life very differently from one who isn't! And all those men who pay bills said...amen!!

When a man is independent of his parents you can be sure that he is, at the least, half ready to handle a relationship. He has learnt to manage his finances, he knows how to budget, he knows how to look for a job, he has attained certain disciplines, necessary in life for being independent.

Another reason why I cannot be in a relationship is because I am still learning how to "be a grown up".. I am still under the the "active guidance" of my parents. There are independent men under the guidance of their parents but there's is a "passive guidance". That's why the best people to affirm whether or not I am ready to be in a relationship are my parents. They know how I am doing in my growth to become a young responsible and godly man.

Also most importantly, I am not ready to marry. I'll be in a position to marry about 5 years from now and its the epitome of nonentity to enter a relationship now!

Fellow young men, as you...we fall in and out of love, always remember, hold on to it! Hold on to those feelings until the time to let them go is right. "Mwindula, utekefye umutima!"

Mwindula.

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