Zambian Culture: The Bride Price

It's every young man's nightmare and every father of the bride's dream. The bride price. Most father's take it as an opportunity to make a little money, make a down payment on a vehicle, go for a holiday or renovate the house. Indeed one man's poison is another man's cup of tea. Here's how it typically works.

A young man finds a girl and wants to marry her. He looks for a representative, another man who IS NOT his father. This man becomes the young man's intermediary between him and the girl's family. This is in keeping with African Culture. It would be disrespectful for a young man to approach the father of the girl he is eyeing to declare his interesting in taking her hand in marriage. Thus he elects a man to represent him. The young man then tells the young lady to inform her family that he wants to marry her and would like to declare interest in a gesture normally called "taking plates". These plates are a token perhaps of appreciation at being given an audience. A small sum of money is put on a plate and covered with another plate. If these plates are accepted, then the man has been approved of and negotiations may begin. If they have been rejected it is just that. His representative travels to a location where he has been told the plates must be brought. There, a meeting is held where, through his representative, his interest in the girl is declared. This process is then followed immediately or in another meeting by the pronouncement of the bride price by the older men of the bride's family, particularly the mother's and father's brothers. The father may attend but not participate actively. He leaves this to his brothers and brothers-in-law. He is not forbidden however, and may or may not choose to actively participate.

Before the negotiations (which is the second process) may begin, the man is called into the meeting (until then he would have been present), and is asked to confirm whether or not the girl, who is also called in, is in fact the one who he wants. The girl is also asked to confirm if the man is indeed the one. After this process, both of them are excused and negotiations may begin.

At this point the wisdom of the young man in his choice of a representative is put to the test. His representative must use his 'negotiation skills' to ensure that the bride price quoted is favourable to the young man. When a price is agreed upon, the young man is free to pay whenever he is ready. If at any point the girl's family change their mind about him or he about her, the plates are returned and negotiations are terminated. The price may be monetary or otherwise but mostly will be largely monetary with a few items such as a suit for the Dad, a chicken etc.

Once the price is paid in full, traditionally, the girl is his wife. In reality, he may now marry her with her family's blessing.

What then is the use or purpose of the bride price? The general assumption and understanding is that the man is buying the girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. The bride price has never been, even historically about purchasing the girl. Father's, unfortunately, have distorted the beauty and use of this important tradition.

Even young ladies misunderstand the bride price. If they heard that their father had set the price at an amount so low, the question in their minds would be, "I'm I so cheap?" They don't realize that if they bride price was about buying and selling, they would die spinsters.

What then is the use of the bride price?

A lot of flings take place among young people in the world. A father may be aware that his daughter is in some kind of relationship. However, he will only rejoice when he hears that the young man wants to "bring plates". The only way a young man can really prove his seriousness is by offering to bring plates which as I have explained is indicative of a man's intention to marry a girl. Until then, that relationship is not guaranteed to culminate into marriage. That is the first function of the bride price. It is proof of seriousness intent.

Secondly, the bride price plays a pivotal role in ensuring the young man can take care of the girl. Many instances, the man is completely new to the girl's family. They have no idea who he is, where he is from, etc. This only comes to light when the girl is privately questions. However, they cannot depend on the girl's testimony as proof that he can financially provide for her. What better way of finding out than giving him an amount for him to pay?

The bride price is deliberately high. This serves a third function. The bride price is high to also see how resourceful the young man is. Will the young man be able to cope when there are financial demands in the home that he does not have the money to satisfy? If he was able to source the money for the bride price, he probably will manage to find money in tight situations to keep the family afloat.

What if the man's family helps him pay the bride price? Surely his resourcefulness will not be put to the test. Well, if his family paid for his bride price then his family's assets are likely to pull them out of any tight situation they find themselves in when they are married. You may further probe, what if he borrows the money to pay the bride price? If he has the contacts to borrow enough money to pay the bride price before marriage, he probably will after marriage! What if he has a problem and lands the family in debt? Well, the bride price doesn't guarantee 100% that a man will be able to take care of the girl. There will obviously outlier cases where a man who cannot manage to take care of the girl finds the money however, as a general rule, if a man can find the money to pay the bride price, he is resourceful enough to take care of his family. If he can come forward and take the girl as his wife in the right way, following the traditions and the culture in a way that honours the girl's family, he is responsible enough to take care of his family and if he can pay the money, he will be able to take care of his family-as a general rule.

A lot of young men hate having to pay the money. And many times they are required to pay unreasonable amounts of money. However, if men can look at this as an opportunity to prove their ability to take care of the girl, they would do it more cheerfully. They would send their representatives to the negotiation table with the words, "Tell them to bring it on."

Many of our traditions do not go against God's law and will, particularly, and we keep them because they still hold value and meaning in our lives. I believe the bride price is one such tradition. It separates boys, who want to flirt with girls, from men who want to marry girls. And helps put confidence in the family that they are giving their daughter away to a man who will care for her in such a way that she never goes without and a man who loved her enough to go through the lengthy and often taxing process.

One other thing you notice in Zambian culture is that the man is always held in high esteem by the girl's family post the wedding. This is because if he has married her then he has jumped through all the hoops and hurdles our culture puts between him and his beloved in order to finally get her and has been able to overcome the biggest hurdle of them all, the bride price!

Long live the bride price!

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Whatever Happened To Simple Weddings?

One thing I have struggled to understand is where the stress of a wedding comes from. The concept of getting married is something I have always thought to be simple and natural. Two people come together and share everything. Most people would say, "Wait and see!" Well, granted, there are challenges, as one older brother once told me in the build up to his own wedding, a wedding brings two people together often with nonidentical backgrounds, worldviews, social status etc, and so tough adjustments cannot be avoided.

The wedding day, however, I'd like to believe, must be the least complex thing and yet often it is not. There is stress, tempers, fatigue, fits, chaos, tears, delays and so on. And wedding budgets! I could not believe it when I heard what the budget of weddings nowadays come to. It's staggering.

A wedding happens when two people are declared married after an exchange of vows, preferably at a church building conducted by a minister. When the minister says on my wedding,"I now declare you husband and wife," I will breathe a huge sigh of relief, for from that moment, come rain or sunshine, storm or gale, earthquake or tsunami, the girl is mine till either I or she dies. I mean literal elements here, I'm not being figurative. At that point the wedding cannot be cancelled. It has happened.

No need for a wedding dress or suit (the first marriage ever had both bride and groom stark naked by the way). No need for rings. No need for a reception. No need for cars. No need for people. Just a minister and some witnesses suffice.

When you look at it that way, you discover, that there really isn't much to getting married. All you need is two people who have the combined financial muscle to live together. Two independent individuals who are working can get married for literally close to nothing. Perhaps cab money to the church or what ever location has been chosen. You don't even need cab money back!

Where then does the stress come in?

Well, we have made something so simple, so very complex! Now there are cars for the men on the line up, cars for the women, cars for the matron and the kids on the lineup and a car for the bride and groom. There is a wedding dress, and the dresses for the rest of the ladies (I've come to learn that there's even a change of clothes at 'half time'). Yes, weddings now have a 'half time'. That is when people leave the church ceremony to go to the reception. I call it half time because the wedding won't quite pass as a wedding without the reception! You have the suits for the guys. Then of course all the decorations for the church and the cars and reception venue, and then there's the food and the drinks for all the guests, those two really empty the pockets. O yes! Don't forget the wedding cards for all the guests. Then there's the wedding cake, which is actually three or more cakes put one on top of the other. I'm pretty sure I've left a couple of things out, O yes, the music systems and all that equipment. Ah, the video has to be shot and pictures have to be taken. I'm getting a headache just remembering all these, what happens to the poor couple who have to organize them?!

When the above paragraph comprises a wedding, you understand the stress and all the pressure. You understand why the couple cannot breathe a sigh of relief when the minister declares them husband and wife. In they're minds, the wedding has barely began!

All these things that cause loss of sleep and weight (and money!) are all unnecessary. Two people who either don't have the money or decide not to even get a suit and wedding dress but simply put on the best clothes they can find in their wardrobes and take the cab to the church to wed are as married as those who go through the horror I have just described above!

I have obviously described an extreme. Don't expect the bare minimum at my wedding, you may just find the horror I have described, however, I am simply... what's the word... saddened to see a young couple who are both independent and have what it takes to marry (as I have defined marrying at the very beginning) and yet wait eagerly to wed, being strained every passing day by the desire to finally be together, just because they have not met the requirements the rest of us (and unfortunately them too) think comprise a wedding. In my opinion it is actually bondage. Tied to the wrong expectations of family, friends, acquaintances and society generally.

The most upsetting thing for me is the feast at the reception. Why pay huge sums to have more than enough great food and drinks served to friends and family and everyone else and then go drink water and bread in your first home? It's unacceptable. If you have the money, great. But if you don't, why do that? The wedding must be comfortably within what you can afford so that your home is free of any financial burdens especially at the beginning. God knows you'll have enough problems to deal with. Why give everyone else a blast, then go suffer the two of you afterwards? It really doesn't make any sense.

I could go on, obviously, but must end here. Congratulations to all those who have married and given us guests a great time. I hope it didn't strain you because if it did, that's unnecessary and a shame. We would have done fine if you decided to make us suffer so you could enjoy yourselves. For those of you getting married, put yourselves first. Lord knows the rest of us will do just fine!

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Weddings -Golden Opportunities

What golden opportunities indeed! No other gathering apart from family-get-togethers and funerals, bring family together, especially in our culture. The thing about weddings, that makes them more golden than funerals or get-togethers, perhaps even combined, is that all of your family in attendance are at your disposal. You reserve the right to conduct your wedding however you wish and your family will attend because they care about you.

But do we really realize this?

A couple of months ago, a friend asked me to watch a small clip. It was entitled, "letter from hell". It seems it is/was quite popular. It's about two young men who were close friends, one a Christian, the other not. For some reason the one never shared his faith with the other. The young man who wasn't a Christian died and went to hell. The clip has the young man in hell narrating a letter he had written to his Christian friend who was still on earth.

First he describes the place, then he describes the people he's with. He also describes the pain and the evil spirits there. As the narration progresses its intensity builds gradually, the young man gets more and more emotional after having started out rather collected. And then he finally breaks out as though he had been holding himself back. He asks his Christian friend in a frenzied voice, "Why? Why didn't you warn me? My best guess is that you were not aware of such a place. Who would know of such a place and not warn those he felt were heading there?"

I know of several people who I have not warned about the wrath to come, people who I was not forthright with, people who I will probably never see again, who, as of the last time we were together, were headed down a highway to eternal damnation. This causes me to want to be diligent in sharing the gospel with whoever I rub shoulders. But ofcourse, 'wanting' doesn't avail much. It is not enough to 'want'.

Probably the group we are most guilty of ignoring is our own family. How many of our family have heard the gospel? What percentage of our family have we tried to share the gospel with?

And that is what make weddings golden opportunities. Opportunities that must be capitalized on, first, indirectly but also directly. Indirectly in the way that we carry out our weddings.

Theres been alot of debate about weddings at my church, is this right and is that wrong, etc. Many things are not easy to just put in a box but Paul handles this in that timeless quotation, "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." There are alot of things that are permissible at weddings, but the question shouldn't be, would it be alright to do this but rather, would this be beneficial.

Would this thing or that thing send a Christian message to my family, friends and acquaintances that will attend my wedding? Will they walk away struck by how different my wedding was? Or will they see the very things that they see in the majority of weddings around? The wedding is such a great opportunity! An opportunity to send a message saying, "I am different, I seek to glorify God even if it means forfeiting things I really wanted and it is not I but Christ that liveth in me!" Oh for weddings that minister to the wretched hearts of those who attend, especially our families merely by the elements they contain (or do not contain!), weddings that send them away wondering, what they lack that you have!

The second way, we must capitalize on weddings is directly. How can you have such a large gathering of family, friends and even associates/acquaintances and not have the gospel message preached?! What an opportunity! Many of those in attendance, you will never get to invite to a church where the truth is preached, how can you pass on an opportunity to bring the church service to them! When I mentioned this to my mother, she immediately mentioned that in her day, gospel messages were common features at weddings. Christians getting married would indeed organize a preacher to give an evangelistic message at their reception.

Maybe I'm just a young man speaking from without. Maybe in the midst of all the excitement or hustle and bustle of wedding preparations I will forget to or even reject the idea of having the gospel preached at my own wedding. Maybe I just don't understand the ins and outs of weddings. Maybe I'm being too idealistic or hyper spiritual. But then again, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm onto something. Maybe the greatest love you can show your family is to warn them of the wrath of God that awaits them and the love of God that draws them. What more convenient way is there, than at your wedding?

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10 Reasons Not to Have Sex Outside of Marriage

By Mary Fairchild

Reason #1 - God Tells Us Not to Have Sex Outside of Marriage

In the seventh of God's Ten Commandments, he instructs us not to have sex with anyone other than our spouse. It is clear that God forbids sex outside of marriage. When we obey God, he is pleased. He honors our obedience by blessing us.

Deuteronomy 28:1-3

If you fully obey the LORD your God ... [he] will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God ... (NIV)

God has a reason for giving us this command. First and foremost, he knows what's best for us. By obeying him, we trust God to look out for our best interests.



Reason #2 - We Won't Miss Out on the Blessing of the Wedding Night

There's something very special about a couple's first time. In this physical act the two become one flesh. Yet it is more than just physical oneness — a spiritual union takes place. God planned for this exclusive experience of discovery and pleasure to happen only within the intimacy of marriage. If we don't wait, we miss out on a very special blessing from God.

1 Corinthians 6:16

Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." (The Message)



Reason #3 - We Will Be Spiritually Healthier

If we live as carnal or fleshly Christians, we will seek to gratify the desires of the flesh and live only to please ourselves. If we live this way, the Bible says we cannot please God. We will be miserable under the weight of our sin. As we continue to feed our fleshly desires, our spirit will grow weak and our relationship with God will be destroyed. Complacency with sin leads to worse sin, and eventually, spiritual death.

Romans 8:8,13

Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live ... (NIV)



Reason #4 - We Will Be Physically Healthier

This one is a no-brainer. If we refrain from sex outside of marriage, we will be protected from the risk of catching sexually transmitted diseases.

1 Corinthians 6:18

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (NLT)



Reason #5 - We Will Be Emotionally Healthier

One reason God tells us to honor marriage and keep the marriage bed pure has to do with baggage. We carry baggage into our sexual relationships. Memories from the past, emotional scars and unwanted mental images can defile our thoughts and make the marriage bed less than pure. Certainly God can forgive the past, but that doesn't mean we're free from the baggage that can linger in our minds.

Hebrews 13:4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
 


Reason #6 - We Will Show Consideration for Our Partner's Well-Being

If we put our partner's needs above our own and consider their spiritual well-being, we'll be compelled to wait for sex. We, like God, will want what's best for them.

Ephesians 5:2

Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. (NLT)

Philippians 2:3

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; (NASB)



Reason #7 - Waiting is a Test of True Love

Love is patient. That's about as simple as it gets. We can learn the sincerity of our partner's love by their willingness, or lack thereof, to wait.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking ... (NIV)



Reason #8 - We Will Have No Negative Consequences to Deal With

There are always consequences to sin. Some of those effects can be devastating. An unwanted pregnancy, a decision to have an abortion or place a child for adoption, broken relationships with family and friends — these are just a few of the possible outcomes we face when we choose to have sex outside of marriage. We should be sure to consider the snow ball effect of sin. And what if the relationship does not last? Hebrews 12:1 shows that sin hinders our lives and easily entangles us. We will be much better off if we avoid these negative consequences.



Reason #9 - We Will Keep Our Christian Testimony Intact

We don't set a very good example of godly living when we disobey God. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 4:12 to "be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." (NIV)

In Matthew 5:13 Jesus compares his followers to "salt" and "light" when we represent him in the world. When we no longer shine the light of Christ, when we lose our Christian testimony, we lose our "saltiness." In other words, we become flavorless and bland. We lose our ability to attract the world to Christ. Luke 14:34-35 puts it strongly, saying that salt without saltiness is worthless, not even fit for the manure pile.



Reason #10 - We Won't Settle For Less Than God's Perfect Will

When we choose to have sex outside of marriage, we settle for less than God's perfect will — for ourselves and for our partner. And if we do this, we don't know what we might end up with. Perhaps we'll end up in a miserable marriage.

So, here's some food for thought: If your partner wants sex before marriage, consider this as a warning sign about their spiritual condition. If you are the one who wants sex before marriage, consider this as a warning sign of your own spiritual condition.

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What Do You Expect?

Not too long ago, my cousin asked me one morning, "What is it with women and insecurity? Why is my girlfriend so untrusting and insecure? She's always asking me whether I'm misbehaving now that she's away and we are apart." My answer to that question was, "What do you expect?"

His query is probably an issue in many of today's relationships and marriages in the world. Trust is rare. The average man will not restrain himself as far as his girlfriend/fiancee is concerned. He will not respect her sexuality. He will pass comments which are sexually suggestive and will be flirtatious in his relationship with her. Many are so perverse and unbiblical, lacking all subtlety even as to demand physical intimacy and sex as a sign of true love! That's pathetic! True love is about the happiness and welfare of the other individual. In ignorance, some ladies will not discourage this behaviour and others even oblige due to the influence of western culture as portrayed in movies and songs.

Now, what happens in the mind of the young lady when they are apart? She worries that if this fellow cannot restrain himself with me, if he cannot wait for the right time (which in there unregenerate mind would be "when I 'feel' ready" rather than "when God says I will be ready i.e. when we're married"), what would stop him from pursuing others in my absence? If he can't restrain himself with me (when I am right there) how could he possibly restrain himself with others when I am absent. Consequently, she become insecure. Always calling him to task asking him to account for day or hour and asking friends to spy on him, always throwing accusations at any sign of secrecy or suspicion. And this follows into marriage making it a living hell.

The poor depraved fellow begins wondering in his ignorant mind, like my cousin, why? Why can't she trust me? Can't she see I love her? My response is, What do you expect? To me its like slapping yourself in the face over and over and screaming, "Why?! Why does my face hurt?!", what on earth do you expect?

But when a man decides to follow the word of God and respects his girlfriend/fiancee it leaves a certain impression on her. When he tells her that he has drawn certain lines that he will not cross in their relationship, he, in fact, wins her trust and respect. When he goes so far as to say, ours will be a hands off relationship, She wonders, "If this man will overcome his desire to say certain things to me or to touch me who is reserved for him, he surely wouldn't do it to anybody else." And when she hears that her fellow did this or that or was sighted here or there, she smiles and waves her finger in the accusers face saying, "Not my man! He has so much respect for me, and I for him I trust him entirely. You've got the wrong guy!" Who wouldn't want his girlfriend, fiancee or wife to say that of him? I sure would!

Many would say, "What? Restrain myself from my own girl? That's insane! That's not manly and masculine! That's unheard of!", well go ahead then, go that way and see what will become of your relationship. Otherwise, obey God and his law and be blessed in your relationship!

Deuteronomy 28:1-3


If you fully obey the LORD your God ... [he] will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God ...

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Haddon W Robinson

A post by a Dr. Mike, that I found on his blog eternalperspectives.com relating the wisdom of one of my most favourite preachers Haddon W Robinson, my favourite part being, ofcourse, "We're done here, aren't we?" ~Absolute classic!

If there is one person, more than any other, who has had a determinative effect on my Christian life, that man would be Haddon Robinson. This is remarkable since he has no idea who I am or the effect he has had on my life. He probably would not be surprised by my statement – he has impacted and changed the course of many a life – but perhaps he would be curious that he had done so with me.


For those of you who are not familiar with Haddon W. Robinson, I will attempt to provide a brief introduction to this truly unique man. Others who know him better could say much more; I offer only what I think significant for the purposes of this post.

Haddon was voted one of the most influential Christians of the 20th Century, due no doubt to his impact upon generations of preachers who came under his tutelage during his 40+ years of teaching homiletics. He earned a Ph.D. in Speech Communication from the University of Illinois, ostensibly in order to be able to communicate more effectively the word of God to believers and unbelievers alike. He taught preaching at Dallas Theological Seminary for almost 20 years and was president of Denver Seminary from 1979 until 1991. He then became the Harold John Ockenga Distinguished Professor of Preaching at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in Massachusetts, a position in which he now continues.

It was at Denver Seminary that I met Dr. Robinson – as I referred to him in my pre-50 years. In fact, I had gone to Denver for my Masters Degree primarily because he was there: I had heard him preach many times (through the tape ministry of Believers Chapel in Dallas) and had concluded that he knew God in ways that I did not know God. So I went to Denver to study counseling, but also to be influenced by him.

During my three years at the seminary, I had only one conversation with Dr. Robinson. This is how it came about:

I was a first-year student (a tipoff for anyone who’s ever been or had to deal with a seminary student) and was frustrated with my professor of New Testament. Actually, I was indignant with him, feeling that he was not giving my particular doctrinal position a fair play in his presentations to the class. (If you own an NIV Study Bible, flip to the opening pages sometime and note the editors listed there. One of the three general editors is Dr. Donald Burdick, perhaps an unknown name to most but well known to the evangelical, scholarly community. This same Donald Burdick, who probably had been teaching New Testament longer than I had been walking the planet, was the professor whom I regarded with arrogant disgust and disdain.)

So I did what any grandiose, first-year seminarian would do. I made an appointment with the president of the seminary, Dr. Robinson.

As I look back on it, I am amazed by Dr. Robinson’s grace and patience. First of all, I am amazed that I was able to get an appointment with him. Although oblivious at the time, I now understand the demands upon his time and the humility it required for him to give an audience to – not just a virtual but – an actual nobody. Second, he listened to me carefully as I laid out my complaint about his colleague and friend, Dr. Burdick. What followed was, I believe, classic Haddon Robinson.

Dr. Robinson never addressed my complaint or concerns. Instead, he told me a story. This (or something very much like it) is what he said:

“I’m sure you know that Dr. Burdick’s wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s some years ago [Actually, being totally self-absorbed, I had no idea]. Despite his continuing commitment to his ministry here at the seminary, and despite maintaining a full load of teaching, he has refused to put his wife in a nursing home. He gets up in the morning and cares for her: feeding, cleaning, dressing, combing her hair, brushing her teeth. She can do nothing for herself. Nothing. Then he leaves for the seminary, teaches a class, and immediately goes home between classes to care for her again. Then he comes back to teach. The following day, he does it again. He will not allow a nurse or anyone else to do for his wife what he himself can do. He has been doing this for years now.

“I was talking to Donald one day and, knowing the load he was under, said to him, ‘How do you do it? How do you so faithfully attend to your ministry and, at the same time, give your wife the love and care and attention she needs?

“Donald looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, ‘Haddon, it’s the greatest privilege I’ve ever had in my life.’”

As if scripted, his phone rang even as his words were still hanging pregnant in the air. He listened for a few seconds, covered the receiver and, turning to me, said, “We’re done here, aren’t we?”

We were done. I nodded a stunned reply, rose quietly, and left Dr. Robinson’s office. My life had just been changed in ways I was only later to appreciate. What was important in the Christian life, my view of people, my relationship with my wife – it all began to shift at that moment. It continues to change more than 20 years later.

Dr. Burdick looked different to me when I next went to my New Testament class. He looked human. Or, more accurately, I saw that he was human: loving, tender, frightened, caring, weak, and struggling. At the end of the quarter, he gave me a C+ for the class. It was the only grade lower than a B that I ever got in grad school, either at the masters or doctoral level. But Dr. Burdick provided the platform and much of the substance for the best education I got at either Denver or Trinity.

What Haddon had done was to see through my indignation to the root of my problem: I was unloving, and I was unloving because I did not see Dr. Burdick as a fellow human being, an alien in the world, a struggler trying to be faithful to the God we both claimed to love and serve. I was unloving because I did not see him as a brother in Christ who needed my compassion and encouragement, not my scorn and criticism.

Haddon cut through the fluff and opened my eyes and heart. Those fifteen minutes were worth all the thousands of dollars (of debt) spent earning my degree. For the remainder of my seminary career, I studied my lessons carefully but I studied my professors much more closely. I looked for the hearts of these professors, trying to understand the motivation within them. Whether it was Bruce Demarest, James Beck, Vernon Grounds, or Robert Alden, I tried desperately to look inside them in order to get a glimpse of Jesus Christ. I was not disappointed.

But even more than before, I began to study Haddon. I devoured his books, read articles by and about him, listened to interviews and radio shows he did, and studied whatever sermons of his that I could find. I still do.

I am aware that he is not perfect – he, too, has feet of clay – so this is not a case of idealization or idolization. Haddon is quick to admit to his own struggles and missteps. But I do appreciate him as someone who has so committed himself to serving Christ and educating men and women in preparation for ministry. And I am admittedly still in awe of his insight, intelligence, and wisdom.

I will probably never have the opportunity to talk to Haddon and tell him of the impact he has had – and continues to have – on my life. But were such a time to become available to me once again, I would seize the chance to simply tell him thanks.

Thanks, Haddon, for teaching me how to think about God, about His word, and about His people. For continually and faithfully demonstrating a commitment to the Bible and people, borne out in your writings and sermons. Thanks for providing a living example of how great genius and tenderness can be melded together.

And thanks especially for teaching me that Christianity is not primarily about ideas, concepts, and truths, but is truly about loving relationships with God and people, about grace and compassion, about being and not just thinking.

I forget these lessons sometimes and, when I do, I slip a tape or cd into the player and listen to Haddon one more time. And I am the better for it.

2 Cor 1:13.

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Bebo Norman on Valentines Day

From Bebo Norman's blog, www.bebonorman.com. For those of you who don't know him, Bebo is just one of the most profound writers on the Contemporary Christian Music scene...



D-U-M



I recorded a Valentine’s Day promotional video today for my record label. This sort of video is a fairly normal thing to do for big Holiday promotions…you know, the standard “what’s your favorite gift you’ve ever gotten for Christmas/tell us about your favorite family Christmas tradition” sort of thing, or the ever repetitive “what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving” list, etc, etc. And no offense to the promotional folks at the label who really do work their butts off to make things happen, but I kind of feel like I might have to draw the line at Valentine’s Day. And I’m sorry if you happen to be a big box of chocolates kind of gal, but I SERIOUSLY don’t get it. I mean, if you don’t happen to have a “Valentine” it’s sort of like rubbing it in, and if you do happen to have a Valentine, it’s sort of like rubbing it in. Maybe it’s because my wife could seriously not care less about it (might just be THE reason I married her), or perhaps it’s because I feel like it’s mostly just a big racket for the flower and chocolate industries, but I find myself a bit cynical about this particular holiday. Is that wrong? I mean, is it wrong to feel like if I love someone I should try to let them know it every day, not just this one random day of the year? Is it wrong to think that it’s much more of a “gift” to surprise my wife with flowers every now and then instead of gathering up the scraps at the flower shop on the day that every lame man on the planet is hunting to “make up for lost time” and maybe, just maybe, get lucky when he gets home? I don’t know, I’m sure I’m overreacting, but…I don’t think I really care. So someone told me that when I’m not sure what to blog about on a particular day that I should come up with one sentence that sort of sums it all up. So here’s my sentence for the day: Valentine’s Day is d-u-m. (And yes, I left the “b” out on purpose).

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Initial Impressions...

I started work yesterday. Its been quite the experience so far, let me begin by admitting that I hate moving to new places and am not so enthusiastic about new people. Its alright to visit a place for a week or two (where two is pushing it) but two months? Its, likewise, ok to meet new people but to be surrounded by new faces-strange faces-is really something I dread. And my anti-social tendencies don't make things any easier. I really wish I was social but alas, I am not. Its really something I ought to work on cause I tend to upset people or give the impression that I am proud, maybe I am...

Anyway, I'm enjoying my new job. I'll be working for 8 weeks. I can already tell that I'll learn alot. After working for only two days, certain things have struck me.

1) First off is the "laid-backness" of government workers. That's the first thing that hit me when I reported for work on my first day. Everyone got there before 8 but out of all the offices I was taken through, only one individual was busy working. All the others were busy chatting or reading the paper. They read the paper and chat until about 9.30 when it is "tea time" or rather time for tea. Finally at 10, people settle down to do some work! All this facilitated by the pockets of tax payers- not fair!

2) Second is the way workmates relate. I've noticed alot of people calling each other by titles like "honey", "sweetie", "my love", "baby"(!), "my husband", "my wife", "darling", etc. This did not surprise me because I've heard enough of it already from school, both at high school and at college but I had no idea it happens in the work place too! Unfortunately, it is MARRIED men and women who call and are called by such titles! I was shocked when I discovered this. If I was married there's no way that I'd call anyone, but my wife, any of the above mentioned names-never! Obviously these, *clears throat* colleagues of mine would not want their spouses to know that they engage in the misuse of "marital titles", it is obviously done behind the back of their spouses. That is not correct. I only hope that those names are as far as their marital unfaithfulness goes for it is indeed, marital unfaithfulness to call someone, other than your spouse such names, especially behind their back!

3) I find the place where I am working to be a place of... plenty, food is cheap and fairly good, transport is provided to and fro! Those are the two places where ones salary tends to emerge half entact. I remember where I was working a while ago, for my uncle, if I paid for my own food at work, a third of my pay was consumed by lunch alone. Its a great place to work, with lots of privileges and benefits. Its easy to take such things for granted, something which so many have done.

Well, that's about it as far as my initial impressions of the workplace are concerned. They might change but they remain my initial impressions none the less.

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Ten Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was Single:

By Mrs Cathrine

I've seen this article a couple of times and I thought I'd share it here. Do visit, Mrs Cathrine's blog to see what else she has on there. I thought i'd stick this cute puppy at the top too...



1. Marriage doesn’t “develop” the good traits. If you don’t cultivate patience, joy, gentleness, kindness, etc. before marriage, they aren’t going to miraculously appear when you’ve wed.




2. If you can’t joyfully submit to your parents, you won’t joyfully submit to your husband.





3. If you develop a “grass is greener” mentality while single, marriage won’t feel as fulfilling as you dream it to be. Contentedness is something you must cultivate while single. If you aren’t content as a daughter, you won’t be magically become content as a wife.





4. Cultivate a schedule (along with a daily quiet time) before you have to schedule life around children. If you can function on a schedule as a single young lady, then you will flourish as a wife and mother.





5. Learn to play with your siblings. If you can’t “enjoy” your brothers and sisters, it will be hard to “delight” in your children. You will love your children, yes… but you will not become a “fun” person through childbirth.





6. Learn to give. Make your life as a single young woman about serving others. (Make sure to do this through the leadership of your father so that you choose wisely and don’t overextend yourself.) If you make your single years about “serving self,” it is very difficult to “kill off self” once you’re married.





7. Learn to please your earthly father. This relationship will give you the vital ability to discern what will bless your future husband. Granted, every man is different… but if you seek to do your father good, it will be easy to seek to do your husband good.





8. Consider your mother your mentor. Learn from her… Study her… Memorize her movements and schedules. One day you will be the “home manager.”





9. Learn to enjoy and have fun with “just” your family. If you need friends to make life fun while single, the same will apply when married.





10. Learn to follow a budget and shop wisely. Regardless of your family’s “mode” of living, generally marriage is started off on a simple budget. You will be a great blessing to your husband if you manage carefully the money he gives to you.

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