Fathers And Sons

To my father, who has shown me that a real man is a man after God's own heart.

When a boy is making the transition from boyhood to manhood, there is no book he can pick up, or magazine he can read, or website he can surf to find out all the intricate details of who a man really is. There is no universal, detailed description of what it means to be a man. How must a man look? How must he carry himself? How must he relate to those above or below him? How must he treat women? How is a boy, making that transition to manhood, to decide what route he will take on all these things?

A boy who is making this inevitable transition is almost like a person making his way through a maze. He has no map and could take several routes to his destination. Which route will he take? What techniques and methods will he use to navigate his way so he makes it to the end intact? It would be so much easier to have footsteps in front of him that he could simply follow. Likewise, the boy does not have a detailed description of what he has to become. It's the little things that matter like how a man must talk, should he be loud or should he be quiet? Should he joke or should he be serious? What about the way a man must walk? Must a man bounce as he takes his strides? Must he walk briskly or take his time? It goes on and on, how should keep his hair or his beard? How should he sit? How should he relate to women? And so on and so forth.

Because of all these variables, a father plays a pivotal role and very rarely are fathers conscious of this. If you take a moment to observe most sons who have had a father figure growing up you will soon see how much the son copies his father.

The son does not do this consciously. He doesn't say "Ok, how must I walk? Let me see how dad walks." No, he simply imitates what he sees and before long it becomes who he is.

I have two friends who shave their heads completely. I've often wondered why they should choose such a weird hair style at such a young age and then I noticed that their fathers both keep their hair that way. There's a young man I know who has a priceless smile but always wears a grave face. Again I wondered why, then I discovered his Dad smiles very rarely. There's another friend of mine who speaks exactly the way his father speaks, two in fact. There is a man at church who never makes a '4' or with his legs (crosses his legs) when he is sits. I have never seen his son make a '4' either. There's a man who is simply a clown, you guessed right, his son is always clowning around. There's another boy also who speaks very shyly, his father speaks exactly the same way. I could go on and on.

Already, genetically, sons will have mannerisms and habits similar to their fathers but they become even more like their fathers because when they are growing up the definition of a man they have is the one of the man of the home, and consequently, many of those small details I mentioned are simply adopted from their fathers. This all happens with both father and son virtually unaware.

That is why fathers are important to their sons. You are your son's definition of a man. Two of my friends complain incessantly about their fathers and I often wonder why they have taken so much of the way they look and carry themselves from their fathers if they aren't so fond of them. It is something they really can't help. And that is why many young men who grow up without fathers end up being criminals. Being at an impressionable age, they look to the 'stars' in society and in the media and take their cue from them much to their own peril.

Fathers, believe it or not your son is watching. He sees how you sit, walk, talk, shave, drive, etc, and that is his view of what being a real man is. He sees how you treat your wife and your domestic workers. You are what he will become. Your son will rise or fall because of what you have portrayed manhood to be.

I'm thankful for my father in whom I have seen that a real man must prioritize; God first, himself last and others in between and that the more you submit yourself to God, the bigger the man you are. Thanks Dad!

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Soon To Be One

To Bwalya and Vernon, on the eve of their wedding:

Its busy, this evening, in our little hut,
reminiscent of bees around a beehive,
Some going in, others going out.

Some hover outside and others buzz busily on the inside.
Soon things will settle down as everybody disperses,
For in the morrow, the knot will be tied.

Its not about the suits or dresses, the hustle and bustle,
Nor is it about the hair or makeup, the decor or food,
Its about two people soon to be one.

This evening I saw them in the church,
Holding hands as they practiced their vows
With eyes fixed on each other without a flinch.

Its all about two people soon to be one
Let the glory be God's, the one who created the pair,
The architect of the love that they share.

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Funeral or Party?*

A couple of weeks ago we had a memorial service at church for one of the youths who died about a year ago. He's name was John Kumwenda. John's death came as a shock to all the youths of the church. I recall the day he died very well. The youths had organised a "careers seminar" and had invited two schools to attend. It was huge. The entire church building was teeming with students in there final high school year. One after the other, speakers with different vocations gave 15 minute presentations on their respective careers. The careers seminar was held on a Saturday and was a whole day event. After lunch, the presentations continued. We all knew John was in hospital. My buddy and I planned to pay him a visit after the careers meeting. At about 3pm, I think it was, one of the girls came to where my friend and I were sitting. Being a very charismatic girl, full of surprises, my buddy and I thought, she was just being her, coming to sit between us uninvited. She came to our bench, we moved apart to allow her to sit. She looked me in the eye and told me that John had just died. She told my buddy as well. Words can't describe the emotions that overwhelmed me in that moment. I had known John all my life and though we weren't close friends, we had an understanding. I always imagined that we'd all grow up and marry and have kids. John's death was not part of the plan. Not before we had lived our lives and grown up. It was unbelievable.



Our sister in the Lord didn't wait for us to swallow the news. She got up to go and tell the other youth members who were sitted in the seminar. My friend and I walked out and found clusters of youths outside, all trying to realise what had happened. John was gone.



Later that day, I asked my friend whether he would linger at the funeral home. He replied with a statement I'll never forget because of its truth. "This is our funeral."



One year later, we had John's memorial. Time sure flies! After the funeral service, at the grave site, I looked around and saw the graveness of the occasion. It was a somber moment as I saw how saddening the sight in front of me was. Graves in their tens and hundreds. Grave after grave. Name after name. Epitaph after epitaph.



It was then that I remembered Ecclesiastes 7:2, "It is better to be in a house of mourning, than a house of feasting." I immediately turned to my friend, who is the unfortunate homo sapien who has the unfortunate burden of hearing my every thought and musing! I whispered to him, "The bible says, it is better to be here than to be at a party." He looked around him and replied, "I wonder why."



His response transported me to the happenings of the previous night. I had sat in the sitting room at home, by myself, with the booklet that had been printed for John's memorial in my hands. It contained among other things, testimonies from John's family and friends. Those testimonies were glowing. John's friend from church testified of his wisdom beyond his years. How that John helped him grow in his Christian walk and how that John knew when to speak and when to be silent. John's brother called him "the best big brother anyone could ever have". John's Aunt spoke of how John was a very serious but humorous young man, dearly loved by his cousins. John's brother boasted of how John was brilliant at his academics. John had some glowing reviews in that booklet!



After reading through the testimonies, I couldn't help but feel depressed. I thought of what my family and friends would write about me if I died. I thought of how much they'd have to struggle to find excellent things to write about me. I discovered that in this life, I had been doing very little worth writing home about. I tossed John's little booklet on the table, pointed at John's smiling face on the front cover and said, "John, you're making me look bad."



My mind raced back to where it ought to have been and with it, an answer to my friend's, "I wonder why" reply. I whispered back to my buddy, "Because it puts life into perspective." "Then I don't want to put life into perspective," He said. "Then, you're a fool." I retorted.



I think it would be a good idea to attend a funeral or memorial at least once a month, preferably, once every two weeks. Imagine the life of an individual who attends a party every weekend (Our workmates and worldly friends actually do that, don't they?). Imagine how distorted his view of life this party boy will be. He would begin to think that life is a party, that we are meant to have fun all the time and live life like there is no tomorrow. He will develop an unrealistic view of life.



Imagine the life of one who, on the hand, attends a funeral every weekend. Every weekend, he will be reminded of the brevity of life. The fact that we can die any time and we must, therefore, be prepared. That man who attends a funeral every week will develop a sober view of life. He will live life objectively. He will reserve money for his children after seeing the death of a father, he will work hard for the Lord after seeing a young man in his casket. He will spend and be spent for God, after attending the funeral of a wealthy man who gained the whole world but lost his soul. Death brings us to the reality of life and puts things into perspective. It helps us make the right decisions when setting priorities in life. It is indeed better to to be in a house of mourning than a house of feasting.



After attending John's memorial service, I strive today, to be more productive, more concerned about my family and more importantly, about the things of God. John's memorial helped me put things back into perspective. Unfortunately, we easily forget-No wonder a funeral a month would be a good resolution.



*In loving memory of John Kumwenda (1986-2008)

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Congratulations Mom!

Today, Mom won "Most outstanding employee of the year 2009"! We are all very, very proud! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

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Heart Changer

Opportunities to preach the gospel, I've always felt, should be taken very seriously especially by those called to preach. It's a shame, when after the preaching of God's word, you decide to speak to someone, after, perhaps a church service or evangelistic meeting, and upon asking them how they got saved (since 9/10 Zambians respond in the affirmative when asked whether they are saved), they respond, "Oh, well, I was born a Christian." or maybe "I go to church and do lots of other good things." Upon hearing such a response, I quickly look for the person responsible for such a response, because someone obviously didn't do what they ought to have done. Either the preacher was unclear or lacking in the content of his message or perhaps the particular individual slept through the whole sermon!

I have always felt that preachers should be very clear when preaching the gospel. I have never appreciated evangelistic sermons that are comprised of bombastic words and theological terminologies that unchurched individuals would struggle to grasp. I mean if the majority of your audience is unconverted why use words they probably won't understand? I thought the whole point was to get the gospel message across!

The first/next time I/I'll ever preach, my introduction will be something like this:

"I'd hate for anyone in this auditorium to leave assuming certain things, especially since it's me preaching, and so just to make sure, I'll just make a few clarifications from onset. First off, going to church cannot save you, just like going to the garage doesn't make you a car neither does going to the Bata make you a shoe. Secondly, doing good things cannot save you because the bible says in Isaiah that our good works are like filthy rags before God. Believing in God's existence, lastly, doesn't make you a Christian because the demons believe it much steadfastly than you ever
will!"

This compulsion to always make the gospel plain has landed me in utter frustration. I always thought that if the gospel was preached such that a listener understood it explicitly and the right "atmosphere", one quiet and perhaps one with the hymn "Just As I Am" playing softly in the background, allowing the person to ponder the words of the preacher, then that person was going to get saved. I mean why not?! The sinner has understood the gospel and has had time to think it through-time to reason, how could that individual make it out of that place unrepentant?!

Ofcourse, I was sadly mistaken and terribly disappointed.

Not long ago, I commenced visiting a nearby college, LBTC, where my buddies and I would share the gospel for an hour, 3 times a week. I usually did the sharing myself. I made sure I wrestled with the person's sense of reason, showing them, through questions, that they did not, infact, know the way of salvation and I'd wait until that beautiful question was asked,"How, then, does one become a Christian?" I'd shoot my buddy colleague a quick smile communicating, non-verbally, the words, "We've got him/em' now!", and begin sharing the word ever so passionately. We were good. We had it all figured out. We were going to get the whole college saved before they'd ever have known what hit them. We forgot one thing though, one crucial thing:

It's God who changes the hearts of men.

You could create the most quiet atmosphere and even add a melancholic tune in the background after sharing the most passionate gospel message, with the clarity of the Lord Jesus Christ himself but if God is not pleased to send his Holy Spirit to convict that soul, that poor soul will not get saved!

That is why I always say to my friends that the man of God must spend more time praying than he does preaching because he, the preacher, only does less than 25% of the work, and that might be giving him too much credit! God does the most part. A preacher cannot always get his stuff right. He may be lacking in clarity, passion, depth or even general gifting but if God chooses to use him, his "below par performance" could save a hundred. Perhaps just one statement he utters could be the line God uses to bring home his own. And yet the most gifted man can preach the most powerful sermon in all senses, whereby, as my buddy says, "You feel like you could get saved again.", and yet not a single soul gets saved. Why? Because it is God who changes hearts.

It all really comes down to the one who God chooses to use, we should all pray that God is pleased to use us.

Now to the reason why I began writing this. There are people who seem like they'll never change. We all know them. The irresponsible relative (friend, colleague, father*, mother, brother, sister, cousin, uncle, aunt or gran) who is a constant burden and refuses to amend his/her ways. Always promising to change but nothing ever matures. The perpetual drunk we see all the time in the neighbourhood, reeling and cursing. Those mad men and women we see in the streets who have been passed as having suffered permanent brain damage. Those members of our communities born Muslims or Jehovah's witnesses or Atheists etc, who adamantly refuse to even hear the gospel. Those workmates or schoolmates who have no interest in the things of God.

These people make me thank God that he does the 75%+ of the work in as far as preaching the gospel is concerned. Because if it was left to us, how could we reach the above mentioned, many of whom hear the gospel but refuse to listen to it? How would we reach those who don't even want to hear the word "Christian"? Thank God that he's the heart changer. Thank God that there is still hope for those who we can't seem to even reach because with him nothing is impossible. Our role in the matter is to be played on our knees-praying that God would be pleased to change their hearts and saved them just like he saved us for Jesus sake, Amen!

*This article is dedicated to my sister Mwila, "Mwils, we're praying for the heart changer to change his heart!"

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