Envy

I’d have never thought myself an envious person. But recently, after hearing a sermon on the famous passage on love in the Apostle Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians (the 13th chapter), I discovered that I suffered from an acute problem of envy.

It turned out that mine was at quite an advanced stage. I was really envious of a lot of people who had things better than me by any measure. For some reason I never realized it was a problem in my life.

The thing that has stuck with me most from Haddon Robinson’s words on love not being envious (though it was more of an aside point) was how unreasonable envy is. The unreasonableness of envy is that it will not likely be willing to 'swap clean'. Haddon said in his sermon that the envious person must be ready to ‘swap clean’. If I’m envious of a friend who has a certain car, isn’t it unreasonable to want the good he has in his life without having to contend with the bad? I mustn’t get the car only, I must get everything else; his asthma, his broken family, his loneliness, his undetected cancer, his few remaining years on the earth etc. When you think about it that way, you stop and think twice before envying. It is unreasonable to envy; you can’t want the good only. If you envy, you must swap clean. It should be all or nothing.

Unfortunately, in my depravation, I used this to make myself feel better. I opted to dwell, therefore, on the negative aspects of the lives of those I envied which of course wasn’t Haddon’s point.

I think the most sinful thing about envy is that it is an affront to God. To be envious is to tell God that he isn’t doing his job right and that you know better. It is to tell him that he should have given you kids like that family has, a car like that person has, a wife who cooks as good as that other guy’s wife, etc. It is to basically tell God that he made a bad call. What can be more offensive? Wasn't that God's point in those several chapters in Job where he responds to Jobs complaints for the terrible circumstances he had found himself in, going from hero to zero. God was saying in all those chapters, are you sure? Are you sure you can sit on my throne and do a better job? Of course, all Job could do was repent. There is a delicate balance we must find where we do our best and not be lazy while simultaneously accepting the place God puts us, with the things and people that he gives us. We must work hard so that we avail ourselves the best things of this life while being ready to live with the things God causes us to end up with.

The heinous thing I’ve found with envy, especially in my life on a social level, is its paralyzing effect. I have found myself failing miserably and literally unable to genuinely rejoice with those around me when they are blessed in some way or other. When you envy the progress of others, it is not possible to truly be happy for them and with them. This invariably results in a failure to mourn with them in their sorrow as well since you’re happy to see them go down and lose out. It is a terrible place to be. I've also found myself crippled; too focused on what I don't have that I fail to enjoy what I do have. How sad! Worse off, I end up robbing God of the thanks he deserves for what he has actually given me all because I'm so consumed by what he hasn't.

The trickery of envy is in its perpetuity. When does it end? When will you ever have a life that is so great, no one else has anything better than you? Sure, you’ll end up with a lot of money, but you’re not likely to have the best spouse or kids as well. You can never envy enough. I remember a song that used to be played a lot when I was in high school which had a line, “Remember when you’re feeling blue, there’s always someone who has it worse than you…” Well, they’ll always be someone who has it better than you in one area or other. So envying won’t get you anywhere. Contentment really is the better alternative.

Finally, the folly of envy is that it works on assumptions. It assumes that having that thing that the other person has will finally make you happy. It assumes that you deserve better than the person you’re envious of. It assumes that the thing(s) you envy about the other person is/are the aspect(s) of their lives that complete them. These assumptions are all faulty. That thing you envy won’t make you happy; true happiness is not found in the things we envy. No sir, no ma’am, you don’t deserve better than the person you’re envious of; on your best day, you deserve nothing from God at the very least. And finally, nothing temporal can complete a person; the people we perceive to be happy and complete are often not and if they truly are, it has everything to do with something permanent that cannot be corrupted or taken from them, something which comes only from above.

Envy is a disease of the heart, and every time I find myself with a wrong attitude i.e. a heart problem, I pray this little prayer I heard sang as a child:

Change my heart, Oh God

Make it ever true

Change my heart, Oh God

May I be like You

You are the potter

I am the clay

Mold me and make me

This is what I pray

I am yet to be let down after praying this prayer sincerely!

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Facebook

I love facebook. I love how at the click of a button, I can know what's happening in the lives of so many individuals who surround me. That is probably my most favourite thing about facebook. At a click of a button I can know what is happening in the lives of friends, family, fellow church members and acquiantances. And yet I do realize also, that just like in almost everything, there are certain extremes to which we can find ourselves in using 'social networking sites' such as the one in question.

I'd like to think about facebook alittle in my post today, particularly the pro's and con's of using sites such as facebook, twitter, I now hear that there is google+ etc.



The Pros

• A great way to keep intouch

I have already mentioned this as my most favourite thing about facebook. If you are in a church that has 300+ members, it is most likely that months will elapse without knowing what's happening in many of your fellow church members lives. This applies to family as well. Distant relatives, old schoolmates/college mates, workmates, acquaintances, you name it, can be kept close by using site such as facebook. At a click of a button all the updates from an assortment of individuals I know comes on my screen and within a few minutes I know what is happening in their lives. Within a week, I'm updated about almost everyone's life.

• Communication

Many times, facebook has come to my aid in communicating with someone whose number I either didn't have or couldn't reach. Since everyone checks facebook a couple of times throughout the day, it is most likely that they will see the message. Facebook has been instrumental even to my church, particularly the youth ministry. The youth group leaders will communicate the activities for the meetings through facebook and many times, be able to communicate last minute changes.

• Mutual Edification

One of the fantastic things about facebook is how that many Christians use it to share what they learned at church or in their devotions and many other people can comment and be mutually edified. Whether it be a theological question that is turning the wheels in a brother's head quite fast to no avail or a prayer item or praise item mentioned as a status update, facebook can be a real tool to edify the saints. Another great thing is the articles many users put up as 'notes'. Many Christians use this to share great thoughts with their fellow Christians and even non-Christians.

• Assessment tool

I find that facebook is a good way to assess ones self. What/Who do you love most? What are you passionate about? What do you spend the bulk of your time doing, particularly free time? Do you rejoice when others are rejoicing and weep with those who weep? Do you pray regularly? Who are you closest friends? Is your life God glorifying? All these questions can be answered by facebook! Just take a look at your last 20 statuses, peep into your inbox, check out your picture albums. It is also a good way to assess your friends. Are they Christians? Are you helping them the best way you know how? You know what they put up on facebook and it is simply a reflection of what's happening inside.


The Cons

• Chatting

If there was one things I'd want removed from facebook, it'd be the chat feature. Users can chat in real time. I once used chatting sites and applications a lot while I was in South Africa. I spent hours chatting with friends and family back home. I had very little to do there and very few friends, especially at the beginning but as soon as I got back home, I did away with it. People spend an unhealthy amount of time chatting, especially young people although I have noticed older people are falling prey to this. John Piper said this of facebook:

"One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time."

• Facebook makes us sad?

I read a post recently on a blog I follow by this title. I had never experienced or heard of sadness wrought by facebook. The article said that people get depressed on facebook because everyone is trying to put their best foot forward and show just how much fun they are having in their lives. People compare this to the misery or 'average-ness' of their own lives and it leaves them rather sad. A bunch of people all lying to each other to their own peril. Well, I cannot quite relate to that but from the comments from the blog I read, it is a common phenomenon. And it is indeed unfortunate.

• Aid to or replacement of fellowship?

I have already stated how that I love being able to keep abreast of the happenings in various people's lives via facebook. A pit fall I find myself falling into is that now that I know what's going on with them, I nolonger see the need in actually relating face to face with them. This is wrong. Nothing should take the place of fellowship, visiting brothers and sisters and getting together to have a chat. Facebook should aid fellowship, not replace it.


In conclusion, always remember:

"And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire.

And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell.

And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell..."

~Jesus Christ (Mark 9:45-47).

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Archilles' Heel (How Strengths Relate to Weaknesses)

I had lunch with my friends this afternoon and it was interesting to note through out our discussion how that ones strength could just as easily be ones weakness or "Archilles' heel".

Over lunch, after discussing various things, it was suggested that each of us share, one after the other, what we thought were our weaknesses after which the others would point out what they had observed to be weaknesses when the person holding the floor was done. We've known each other long enough so that would not be a problem.

I tend to ask people from time to time, if they have discovered what their gifts are to which the response is usually, "I don't know". But never have I asked anyone whether or not they are aware of their weaknesses. It dawned on me during our discussion how important it is for every Christian to know their Archilles' heel. If you don't know your weaknesses, there's someone who certainly does:

1 Peter 5:8 says, "Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."

My friends were quite excited about this passage not too long ago. I remember when one of them song led at McDonald's farm and shared a little from the passage. He spoke of how that the devil is similar to a hungry lion roaming the jungle. The lion roams the jungle with its eyes peeled looking to pounce on any animal that it can catch unawares. Any Deer that lets its guard down and drinks from the stream of water without paying attention to its surroundings, any ill Zebra that stumbles its way across the plain, any Wildebeest that finds itself behind the pack during migration, any fawn that leaves its mothers side becomes the target of the lion. The lion being a lazy and somewhat intelligent animal, not wanting to run any more than necessary, realises that there is no need to spend energy chasing the alert, strong and well prepared animals when there are other animals that will be the exact opposite.

The devil is like that. He will not waste too much energy on those Christians who have done what is necessary to prevent themselves from falling. He will scout for Christians who are inactive in church, those who are babes in the faith. He targets those who are in high positions and whose fall would affect many.

He also targets those who do not know what their Achilles' Heel is. The man who is unaware of what weaknesses are. But those who do know what their weaknesses are better equipped to evade the traps of the evil one. If pornography, for instance, is the weakness of a man, and he does not know it, he is liable to attacks from the devil. The evil one, knowing what the man's weakness is, will send temptations his way that focus on his very weakness. Unless he knows his weakness he will neither realise this, nor put in measures to insulate himself from those attacks.

Now, during our discussion, it occurred to us (or me at least) that a major strength was pretty much a major weakness for each of us. I think this is typical of most people, their strengths are easily translate into weaknesses.

There are various examples. It could be that your strength lies in that fact that you don't worry. Whether its losing a job or failing an exam you just don't worry. This can easily become a weakness when you go to an extreme of being laid back even when something deserves urgent attention. It could be that you are one who is never idle and always ensures that you are doing something profitable and constructive. This could easily translate into a weakness of being too busy to attend to certain people and and areas of your life whereby you find that you've been so busy that you have never invested in people, friends or family. It could be that you are self reliant and assured. This strength could easily translate into an "I-don't-need-anybody" kind of mentality. It could be that you are logical and only do things when they make sense. This could just as easily translate into arrogance where once you're convinced of something, nothing and no one can make you feel or think otherwise.

And so in our quest to discover our weaknesses, if we find our strengths, we've pretty much got our weaknesses as well. When we discover our strengths, our weaknesses are just around the corner.

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The Unofficial Relationship (Part 1)

I love this picture of contemporary christian musicians Shane Bernard & Bethany Dillon's wedding, I think it goes well with the title of the post.

I'm on facebook and I changed my relationship status from "single" to "its complicated". Well, I was thinking one day (yes, I think, occasionally) and I realised that while I was not in a relationship, I wasn't really single. It was then that I coined the phrase "Unofficial Relationship" to describe what sort of situation I was in.

Many people are actually in unofficial relationships, from hence forth referred to as "UOR".

Here are two people who like each other but for some reason or other cannot commit. I've seen it happen between a young man seeking a young woman. He likes her and has made his position clear. The young lady does not give a no but doesn't give a yes either. Perhaps she says, give me time or not right now. The two begin hanging out, or talking alot. The young man buys her gifts and talks to her alot. They become close sharing what is happening in their lives, enjoying many benefits of being in a relationship but are not really. The two individuals isolate themselves.

Or perhaps its a guy, alittle too young to seek a girl, a teenager, still a dependant. He likes a girl and starts sending her alot of text messages or calling her and chatting with her. The girl likes him back and before long they become close and go for walks perhaps and he buys her gifts, maybe she does the same. They enter into an UOR. For teens nowadays whether Christian or non-Christian, I've observed, the chap sees the girl, likes her and pursues her. They get hitched and "breakup" in due course (ever noticed they just never last, these teen/post-teen relationships?)

Its not always the same, but the idea of isolation and developing a rather close friendship is prominent. The feelings are typically mutual or else there wouldn't be an UOR in the first place.

Basically an UOR is a relationship between a male and female (ideally) where while the two have not committed to each other they have isolated each other. While they may not necessarily do everything that two people in an official relationship do, they do things which two people in an ordinary friendship do not do, they are somewhere in between the mere friendship and the official relationship.

I call it unofficial for obvious reasons, if you ask the two individuals whether they are in a relationship, the answer will be a definite no. But if you ask them how often they talk to each other, how much time the see each other, how often they are together, you will soon find, that there is some sort of "thing" going on.

Now (Paul Washer always goes to the next point of his sermon like that, "Now, ..."), UOR are dangerous and unbiblical making them wrong. I hope to discuss that in Part II.

I have "charged" two people of being in UORs both of whom actually were, they both bitterly denied it, which is natural for people in UORs. The first person I "charged" was a young lady, she denied it because she had been approached by the young man and liked him but still wasn't so sure she wanted to see him and didn't want to feel or appear bound. Yet she entertained him and accepted his gifts and attention. The other was a man, he too denied it, I don't know why. In his particular case he sought the young lady and she basically said it was too early but she liked him too and now they are bound to each other by virtue of the fact that he had declared his love and she her like and now it would be betrayal on her part if she started seeing another man either now or later cause he's waiting.

I was going to give a list of things to help someone better judge whether or not they are in an UOR, but here is a simple test.

The official relationship and the UOR have alot of things in common but here is the clincher. In both, the individuals are bound. In the official relationship, it would be taboo for any of the mates to begin pursuing anyone other than their mate and it would hurt their partner. Its exactly the same in an UOR. The two are bound to each other. The man has shown his interest by the attention and gifts and the lady likes him and so entertains him. Should the man "move on", the lady will feel betrayed.

"He sent me all those signs only to leave me."

Were you together?

"No."

Then why are you hurt, why do you feel betrayed? I'll tell you why, you decided to enjoy a relationship without committing. You consented to an UOR.

Or perhaps the man is the victim when the lady accepts another man who approaches her.

"I sent her all those gifts, all those text messages, all those chats we had, all that time we talked and spent time together, yet she was just using me to pass time, I feel betrayed."

Were you seeing each other?

"No."

Then why feel betrayed? You were not in a relationship so she was still a free woman.

And the problem is, you cannot take your mate to task for leaving you because it wasn't official. The papers were not signed as it were. All it would take is for your mate to say, "No we weren't." and that would be it.

If your "friend" suddenly started seeing someone or entertaining someone other than you, would you feel hurt or betrayed? My dear friend, you are in an Unofficial Relationship and it is dangerous and it isn't biblical.

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Triangle Rule

Not too long ago, we had a family meeting at home. A few issues needed to be settled and so Dad got his bible out, opened in prayer, and we began.


I've always been amazed at how "bible oriented" Dad is. When resolving any matter, or handling disputes, or teaching truths about both godliness and life in general, Dad always pulls his bible out and quotes from it. If we really believed 2 Timothy 3:16, we'd do the same, we'd use the bible for everything;

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.

~2 Timothy 3:16

During our discussion, Dad taught us a rule that I'd like to write here for two reasons. Firstly, I never want to forget it. I've heard it said, "If you want to remember something, write it down." Secondly, its a helpful rule that I'd like to share for others to benefit too. Dad said he has kept the rule all through his pastorate and it has spared him alot of problems. The rule is simple, so simple that I couldn't help but smile when he said it:

"Never complete the triangle."

If brother B tells brother A something negative about brother C, brother A should not complete the triangle by telling brother C what brother B said.

Here's an example. Jack thinks that Fred talks too much. Jack shares this with Jill. Jill should never complete the triangle by telling Fred what Jack said.

If Jill completes the triangle, she will damage the relationship between Jack and Fred.

Many times people tell us things in confidence. Sometimes the things we hear are true, other times they are malicious. Sometimes we are told certain things in passing, needless to say half the time, its us doing the talking.


In my case, I tend to take things am told too lightly. Perhaps someone will tell me that "so and so" has a big nose (for example). When am chatting with "so and so" one day, all it would take is for him to rub his nose, or sneeze or anything to do with the nose, and I'll unwittingly giggle and say, "You know, _______ actually said you have a big nose", foolishly expecting "so and so" to join me in my amusement. Before I know it, I've tied myself in a silly knot!


That's my weakness as far as the triangle rule is concerned. Others may find what they are told to be true and in a bid to help "so and so" start dressing better or stop chewing with an open mouth or whatever, we rebuke them saying, "Even ______ was complaining about the same thing, he said actually told me that you...".


Other "Jills" may decide to share what Jack said to Fred in confidence. As a result, everyone in the triangle knows the truth, in confidence!


Whatever the case may be, its important to know and master out pitfall as far the triangle rule is concerned. Even if someone says something negative about someone very close to us, we should not complete the triangle for the sake of the relationship between them.


This begs the question, must we then keep quiet and become accomplices?


Well, it really depends on what we've been told. We must encourage each other, or to put it negatively, we must discourage each other from making hurtful comments behind peoples backs. If someone tells you that "so and so" has a big nose, rebuke that individual and tell them that you are not interested in such hurtful talk. We should discourage ill talk.


Sometimes, however, we are told negative things which make it clear, that the one being talked about needs to change (e.g. "so and so" talks too much" or "is too loud" or "dresses scantily") or that "Jack" has things he needs to workout with "Fred".


In such cases, we must insist to "Jack" that he confront "Fred". In fact, give Jack a deadline. Tell Jack, "If you don't confront Fred about the things you've told me, I will tell him what you've told me, you have one week-and counting".


This way, the person that needs to change, will begin to, at the least, see that something about them affects others negatively. If the problem was their relationship, the two people involved will be able to iron their issues out.


It may cost you your friendship with Jack for a while but one day you will be thanked for it.

He who covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

~Proverbs 17:9

Hatred starts quarrels but love covers all transgressions.

~Proverbs 10:12

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...With God & Man

In the first week of this year, our youth ministry, at church, held elections for a new set of leaders. Now I have been a good boy, or more appropriately, a good man through 2008. No girls, no messing around, no rumors circulating about me as has been the case in the past etc.

Apart from the absence of negatives over the year 2008, there the presence of positives. I became quite involved at church, helping out alot. I also lead, along with my buddy, Henry, the guy quoted under the title of my blog, the preparations for our annual youth concert which is a fundraising effort hosted by the church youths to earn money for our annual youth camp. It was a huge success financially although the quality of the show was below par in my view. Anyway, Henry and I got thumbs ups from a few of the youth leaders who were there then. 2008 had been a huge success for me in most of the spheres of my life.

In light of my general conduct and performance over the year 08', I had no doubt in my mind that when the elections for new youth leaders for 2009 came along, I'd make, at the most, the highest office (Chairman) and at the least, the second highest office, Vice Chairman. I also expected that if I made Chairman, my buddy Henry would make Vice and that if I made Vice, Henry would make Chair. In my mind, it was a done deal! We had been great in our conduct and zeal, and we had been a great leadership duo during the concert preparations. We had coordinated well and would therefore be elected, I thought, as the "top two guys" of the ministry.

Well, you know, God's plans are not our plans nor his ways ours. I was in for a rude shock at the beginning of 2009.

Over Christmas and New year, I was away from home and church therefore. I did not attend the elections of new youth leaders. I didn't make Chairman or Vice and to add insult to injury, I didn't make committee member either. By the time the new leadership had been selected, I was just an ordinary member of the youth ministry.

Now, obviously, I need to clarify a couple of things before those given to misconceptions and misinterpretations, do what they do best:

I did not necessarily stay up all night dreaming of being in the leadership of the ministry. Neither did I think of it. The reason being that I expected it to happen. To me it was a done deal, I therefore didn't spend time wishing to be in leadership, I knew for a fact that it would happen. I knew that most of those in the ministry were either young or not Christians, some were recent converts others were recent members. I, on the other hand, knew the ropes, I had experience in the ministry etc. It didn't even register in my mind that any other result could...result. I neither wanted to be in the ministry leadership nor didn't want to be in the ministry leadership. I was assured that because there were very few people who could lead effectively I would certainly be elected. I hope I have made my point.

My thoughts were confirmed by the result of the elections, one brother was literally forced to enter leadership. He had objected due to the fact that he had only just arrived in the ministry, another was elected into leadership after having been in the ministry for only a short while, his still learning the ropes as you are reading this. One turned down the role of leader and a fourth was completely lost as to what to do in their posting. Now, all these guys are my good friends two guys and two girls, I have no serious objections to their being leaders but I'm simply illustrating the fact that there were very few people to properly lead and I therefore knew for sure that I'd end up as a leader because of the shortage of capable guys.

So, while I was away over Christmas and New year, the first warning sign came. My friend told me that she had been elected into leadership. Later I heard that Henry had made Chair. I was waiting to hear the words "You were elected Vice !", but to my dismay, nothing. Having known that my buddy Henry would either make Chair or Vice, I was further distraught at the fact that elections had taken place and he had not communicated to say that we were the "top men" of the ministry. I even called him later about a separate issue and he didn't tell me that he had made Chair let alone that elections had been held.

Now I speak about "making chair" or "making vice" like its something to fight for or something to be sought. Well it is.

After the idea of making Vice or Chair set in, it left a sweet taste in my mouth, I began to look forward to it. I wanted to be a leader. Some people might think, "look at this power hungry, selfish kid wanting to be a leader!" Well, Paul says that he who desires the office of overseer (elder/pastor) desires a noble thing. I say, in the same vein, he who desires the office of ministry leader or youth ministry leader or cell group leader or bible study leader, desires a noble thing.

I heard a sermon, which challenged me so very much entitled "where are the men?" by Denny Kenaston, He spoke of a "pass the ball meeting". We've all been in a "pass the ball meeting" haven't we? "Brother, why don't you open for us in prayer?" "Ah, I'm not really confident, maybe someone else can do it". "Brother, would you give a short devotion before we begin our meeting?" "I'm sorry, am alittle unprepared right now, maybe brother so and so should do it." "Oh! Not me brother. I have a sore throat, maybe brother so and so should do it." And finally all of them finally manage to wrestle one of them down and he is forced to do it. Pass the ball meetings.

Ever since I heard that message were men are rebuked for not taking their place in the church of God, I changed my attitude. I stopped backing down from requests to pray of share or speak, I even began leaping for opportunities! I've lost that flare somewhat, I should listen to that powerful sermon again! Click here to download it.

I'm not embarrassed that I got excited about the idea of being a leader. I began thinking of ideas and ways to boost the ministry and to maximise on its potential. That's why I got depressed when the wrong feedback began coming my way.

Anyway when I got back things only got worse, I found out that the outgoing leaders came up with a proposed list of leaders. I was not on that list. I also found out that my closest friends are the ones who had to suggest my name as the floor was opened to the ministry members to suggest other names apart from those on the list. I was finally knocked out when I was told that almost nobody among the youths voted for me. That did it for me!! I lost my appetite, that evening infact we had pizza for supper and me and pizza have an understanding! But that night I was so depressed that I couldn't eat, and I felt like my stomach had been tied in a knot.

I depressed because the only reason that I could come up with as to why people wouldn't vote for me was that we were not in good terms and as far as I knew, I was in great terms with everybody. I felt betrayed because I sort of felt that people had personal issues with me and yet they continued smiling and laughing with me and their dislike for me was manifested in their not voting for me.

Even some of my own good friends didn't vote for me. The former leaders who congratulated me for the "job well done" on the youth concert didn't include me on their proposed list of leaders. And the half of the former leaders were and are my good friends. Guys I've grown up with. I really felt betrayed.

I didn't know what to do. Shall I approach the guys and ask them why they didn't vote for me or include me on their proposed list of leaders? Or should I let it go and pretend everything is alright? I don't like pretending that things are alright so I made a decision. I approached the former chairman of the ministry to ask him why I was not included on the list of names they were proposing for new leaders to replace himself along with his team.

I finally did. I asked to have a word with him after the service one Sunday. I asked,"You guys (the former leaders) made a list of names you were proposing to take over the leadership of the youth ministry and I was not on that list, well I wanted to find out why." I thought he would studder and stammer but to my surprise he came right out with it, no hesitation. "Basically two reasons," he replied. The first was that he was worried about the way I operated as leader. He had observed something which concerned him while I was leading the concert preps. The second was that he wasn't sure, along with the rest of his team, and for good reason(!), whether or not I would be able to work under Henry. He said his concerns were confirmed by the low vote I got.

Needless to say, I gained alot of respect for this brother who I spoke to, he told me frankly why I was not selected. He also apologised for not pointing out the concerns as soon as they were realised.

Well, I still need clarification but one thing for sure is that I have lost favour in the eyes of people around. It is a problem I should not overlook. There obviously flaws in the way I lead, things that put people off. One cannot be a good leader if they are not firm but the opposite extreme is just as bad, maybe even worse. Its taken a while, but slowly I'm beginning to think interms of working on my flaws rather than thinking that people betrayed me. What I went through though, was very painful and I don't think I have the stomach to stand another ordeal.

The bible requires "Love and Faithfulness" for someone who wants to win favor and a good name in the eyes of both God and men. I don't think I lead others with love. I am pretty faithful but not so loving as I try to get others to do things. I realised this when we read Proverbs 3 in our family devotions. Proverbs 3:1-4:

"My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man."

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Break Up Letter

Ironic that my very first post ever, in this New Year would be a "break up letter". But this letter means alot more to me than what meets the eye and strikes the mind. Those who are really close to me will know what I mean, well here it is, the "break up letter" from Alud to Uba:

Why since You’ve wounded my heart,

Don’t You heal it?

Why don’t You heal?

And why since You’ve stolen my heart,

Do You leave it so?

Oh this heart of stone.

Why don’t You carry away my heart

You have stolen and left here broken

Why don’t You carry away my heart

Already taken

Awaken the dawning of a new heart

Where stone begins to bleed

For the arrow of God that runs through me

Leaves me in need

Here in need

Awaken

How long? How long? How long?

Dear Uba,

You know that I love you more than I could ever love any man. And that is what has made this decision the toughest I have ever made. I have decided to obey Dad and cut ties with you.

God knows that I am broken and so does my Dad. I do not know why he (God) has run me through with this arrow, but I know he loves me more than I could ever deserve or imagine and that he loves you more than I ever could.

Before my Dad got home from your place, I was planning what I would do and say. But I thank God that I decided to pray. I asked God to create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. I told God to make me or help me make the right choice, one that would bring him glory. When I was done praying, I thought to myself that if only Dad explained to me the logic of splitting us. I thought if only dad explained the logic, I would find it easier to obey and that is why I asked you whether or not you got the logic from your talk.

When I spoke to Dad, he reminded me that I was obligated to obey him whether or not it was logical. As I spoke with Dad, I began to realise that I was losing you. I couldn’t help but cry.

I wished that I had never met you because it is you who will suffer most from our break up in that I will still be here at CBK with all the friends we have grown up knowing and you would probably move on. I saw you not understanding, clearly, my reasons for pulling out and thus thinking that I have betrayed you. I asked Dad, why? Why does it have to be him taking the heavier load instead of me? Dad reminded me of the instances in the bible where some suffered and paid for the sins of others. He also told me that carrying on with those thoughts would be fighting with God.

God loves us both and this separation will glorify His name because we will be obeying. And if we do what is right, we can never go wrong.

I then asked Dad whether he thought I could ever be attracted to you if you were not saved. Dad said that sometimes a friendship between two Christians can be unhealthy.

My heart is heavy and the pain of complete separation from you is more than I can bare. This trip to America will do me good, to just get away and just sort myself out. But I will give my broken, weeping heart to God, please do as well.

The only way all this will make sense is if you start with God. I urge you to ask him to help you trust his will and help you accept it and that he will give you grace to cope. I know I will need a lot too.

You will forever remain in my heart and in my prayers. Right now though, let us just obey.

Alud.

P.S: God has won this battle.

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Under His Wing

Tribute to Brian Mpanzha:

There’s a man at church who I consider to be my older brother. Years ago, he did something that caught me alittle of guard but has helped me tremendously in my life.

I remember that afternoon distinctly.

Brian enjoyed playing basketball and I loved playing too, so I’d join him (I havn't really played in ages though!). Well, one afternoon after enjoying a game, Brian escorted me back home. He told me that he wanted us to develop a close bond were I could, in essence, come under his wing. We would begin to talk regularly and I would tell him what issues I was going through etc. He told me that at first it would be difficult for me to open up to him but that in due course I would.

Now, I am a very closed up person, I love my space and I love my privacy. I like my small circle of close friends and I always find it hard to meet new and bond with new people. Brian told me that in due course I would open up to him. I laughed inside almost saying, "Don’t hold your breath Brian!"

I thought it was just my luck. I mean, why me? Why'd he pick my life to disturb by trying to enter in? Little did I know that Brian's friendship would mean a lot more than I could ever imagine.

Well, Brian led us into our first talk, he asked me, I was a young teen at the time, what changes were taking place in my body, you know, the whole “teen talk”. I was completely shocked! I was thinking, "Is he serious? Does he really think I am going to have this conversation with him?" I was totally quiet, giggling here and there but saying absolutely nothing.

He tried to ask a couple more questions but to no avail, I’d just giggle and shyly and look away but never answer. So he decided to pick it up on his own, he talked and talked about sexuality, girls, cleanliness etc. When we got home, he told me that we would speak again soon.

Brian’s predictions were right on the money, in no time, I opened up to him like a lady to her prince charming! And to my utter amazement too!

He no longer had to initiate discussions anymore, I would go after him myself and start talking and asking and sharing. I was completely free with him.

When he got into University, he’d invite me over for the weekend and I’d let it all out.

Over the years, we gradually stopped meeting as frequently as before, spending time rarely and yet even now the effects of that friendship he offered me remain. To date I am completely free with him and the advice he gave and still gives me is still helpful to me.

We did lots of things together from going out for lunch, to weekends at his room, to places where we could swim and all that, it was great.

I recall asking him about music. A friend of mine had introduced me to a pop group that sang "love songs". I immediately consulted my older brother when we met. Do you know this group? What do you think of it? He discouraged me from listening to the group.

He had become, to me, someone I could tell my worst sins and not expect him to condemn me.

I think every boy and girl needs a "Brian" to take them under their wing. Someone godly with whom they can form close ties and in whom they can confide. Someone they can trust with their issues great or small, serious or not. If you are in a place where you have people younger than you, befriend them, take a deliberate step to enter their lives. Be an older brother or sister to them and watch your relationship with them grow to such heights that they confide in you totally. Imagine the positive voice and influence you can have over them replacing the voice and influence of this sinful and corrupt world, just imagine...

You may worry that you might be taking the place of that young persons parents. Don't.

I remember Brian mentioning in our first talk, that when I have "teen talks" with my parents, they may be suprised that I've already talked to him, but that did not worry him at all. The combined input of both him and my parents would only help me more.

But also, during teen years, I've found that teens around, open less to their parents the older they grow. Obviously, parents are to blame for this and its something they need to work on. Its no wonder that it is at that time of their lives that they begin to wander. Its because they turn to their peers for guidance. Parents only see the results of peer pressure, a pregnancy, a child comes home drunk, a child runs away from home and in the worst instances, the sudden death of a child. The build up to these tragedies is discreet. The older teens and young adults can help in this area by befriending the young stars.

I bet Brian had other things he would have preferred to do and yet he took time to invest in me, an ordinary kid. I will forever be thankful to God for him and to him for his sacrifice.

I must mention Graham at this point.

If there's one thing I remember about my relationship with Graham, it was that he was always there. When I went into secondary school, when I went into high school, when I left home, he always took time to advise me and I never ever requested either! He'd just say, "hey, whats new?" And I'd say, "Well, am getting into high school." "Oh," he'd reply. "You know, high school this and high school that... He'd just get into it. I was not as free with Graham but I really enjoyed stopping by his place. I'd be walking past his place with my buddy and we'd both just stop by. He was a couple years our senior but he would still give us time and hang out with us. Thanks for your friendship Graham!

Let me just share a secret in closing on how to make younger guys open up. There is a friend of mine who had "data" on every young person in the church because everyone opened up to him. He knew who was liked by who and who was eyeing who. He knew it all and he got this information from the sources themselves. How did he do it? I figured it out! He opened up to everyone else! That was him by nature. He is such an extrovert and talks to strangers like he has known them for years. If you are struggling to get your young star to open up to you, tell him what you went through and who you liked at his age and where you made mistakes. Before you know it, he'll open up-I think.

Mwindula.

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Concert Preps'

On Friday evening at 5.30pm the youths of Kabwata Baptist Church will hold a Fundraising Concert to earn money for their annual evangelistic youth camp in December.

We have been practising for the last few weeks, every Sunday between services. At first there was some reluctance from the youths who were so co-operative last year. Obviously the guys have gotten bigger both physically and mentally and have become more self conscience, the guys have their whole ego thing going and the girls have their whole shy thing but as we have progressed we have seen the participants develop an interest and ownership of the material and thus they have gradually become dedicated and involved in the rehearsals.

Even the older intermediate youths have shown encouraging interest and seriousness, we give glory and honour and praise to God for this.

It has indeed been an awesome time and as an organiser I'd like to add that hopefully it will be the last time for me to participate as an organiser, the stress and workload and worry are unbearable!

With only two days left to the concert, stress levels are through the roof, anxiety is rife, a mixture of worry and excitement has filled the hearts of the youths who will be participating.


The Highs:

The concert preps have been both exhilarating and intense. We have seen the youths get to know each other better.

Those who didn't know that they could sing now do and those we did not know could sing have now shown their gifts.

The rehearsals have been fun, laughing together, singing together has really been a joy.

For the intermediate youths, one obvious high was the chance we got to wet the appetites of the congregation, when we gave them a taste of the concert by performing a song last Lord's Day. We are beginning to fear that we may have set the bar alittle too high!


The Lows:

Two sister churches whose youths we had asked to participate by singing could not join us, two other groups whom we were hoping would join us, pulled out. This has really caused us problems and sorrow but we'll see how it goes.


Well, I will definitely upload concert photos and all that after the concert!

Mwindula.

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Love: About The Other Person

A couple months ago, August to be more precise, my friend and I were having a chat, at the Agricultural Show, about a girl he really liked. He told me that of all the girls he has ever seen or liked, he liked her most, infact he was pretty sure that he loved her.

This friend of mine and I are members of the same church and have grown up together literally. I just thought I should put that into perspective. Of course I would sooner cut my left arm than mention his name!

Well, things didn't quite work out between him and his "love" and he told me that the whole thing really hit him badly. I asked him if he still loved her and he answered in the affirmative. Well "love" is a pretty strong word.

I believe if a man loves a woman, he wants to see her happy because true love is about the other person. So I asked my friend, "Suppose you knew that this lady you love so much would be happier without you and with someone else instead, would you let her go?" My friend was very honest and told me he would not! So I rephrased the question, this time eliminating him from the picture. This time, I asked,” Guys A & B, realise that the women they love would be happier with other men; guy A lets his love go while guy B does not. Which of the two guys loves his lady the most?" As my dad says, "no prize for guessing", he settled for guy A.

I told my friend that I did not think he really loved her because love is about the other person, their needs, their wants, their happiness, all above yours. Seeing them happy makes you happy. Your happiness is made complete by theirs.

This issue of my love for a person being about the other person and not about me is lacking even in the church. A young lady joins the church and within 2 months she has been approached by seven separate men! There's something wrong there because if any of those seven men really loved this new lady, they would first want to get to know her a little, if you ask me two months is not a valid time frame.

Ok, that example is a bit far fetched but here is one closer to home. I have had the privilege of being close to some ladies who are my older sisters in the Lord and one in particular has told me she is uninterested in relationships largely due to her past. She had never grown up with her parents and has always been on the move from relative to relative. She is passionate about working towards independence, then and only then, will she consider getting into a relationship. She is not ready to get into a relationship and get married in a year and a half and be a dependant of her husband, she wants time to complete her tertiary studies and have the satisfaction of being nobodies dependant but completely independent.

This particular lady has been approached by brothers in the Lord on multiple occasions and some other brothers have begun dropping hints. Do any of those brothers really love her? I doubt it. If they did they would be more interested in her as a person because love is about the other person. Her background, her likes, her dislikes, her hobbies e.t.c. Knowing her name would be good too!

A friend of mine asked a girl to be his girlfriend. Her reply totally embarrassed him! She responded with a question. She asked, "Brother, what is my surname?" He had no clue what her surname was, no clue! He did not love her because love is about the other person. When you love someone there should be no rush.

If any of those brothers really loved my older sister in the Lord, who I have spoken about, they would know that she is not interested in a relationship through interaction with her and getting to know her better. True love is about the other person.

Mwindula.

P.S: I do not advocate nor encourage, I hope(!), relationships between people who are two young to be in them for example, my two friends who I have mentioned above.

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What have I done now?!

I just had to do it. I couldn't leave the poor thing out there on the street. It was so small and it kept on crying, so far from any home, obviously lost by its mother.

Yesterday, or was it the day before? I was escorting my friends, Edwin and Henry, and as we walked along, we came across a little kitten. It was so tiny, about the size of my hand. It was walking, staggering actually, aimlessly in circles, crying or whatever that was. It was obviously born not too long ago to a homeless cat.

Well, what were we going to do about this?

Edwin stated from onset that he was not at all interested in the little animal and wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole!

Oh no, its crying right now, its in my room, I don't know what to do, it won't eat and I bet its going to starve pretty soon.**slips out**

Back!

No worries, it kept crying because it messed its cage and I am so happy! It seemed to be eating so little but apparently not! If it didn't have anything in its little stomach, well then, there wouldn't be any mess, so for me, a mess is an excellent sign!

Alright, where was I?

Oh yes, Edwin made it crystal clear he wasn't interested in the little thing. He is one of those people who don't fancy animals-like my mom. I tried to persuade him:

Myself: Ed, take it home with you...

Edwin: Ah! I can't! I don't like these things!

Myself: Come on! It will be fun, you can play with it, it will jump on you everytime you get home, it will sleep next to you in bed...

Edwin then explained that he simply couldn't, he liked sleeping with the bed all to himself!

I tried one last time.

I threatened to tell all the sisters in the lord about his lack of compassion for the helpless creature. It didn't work! He took it as a compliment!

Henry also refused to take it home with him, although not as elaborately as Ed!

Well, the ball was in my court. I asked Henry to help me find something to carry it in. Henry could not believe I was actually going to take it home. Well, I couldn't leave it out there. It would be equivalent to killing it. Infact, I suggested we smash it with a large boulder when both guys refused. I mean, if none of us were going to care for it, and just leave it out there, it would die of starvation or be killed by someone or something. Why not put it out of its inevitable misery?

It was so tiny and it kept shivering. I carried it home. I'm trying hard to feed it but it won't eat. Its probly too young for solid food, I'm giving it milk. I think its searching for its mother's breast when it keeps searching the sole of my foot with its mouth. I give it milk on a plate but I think it doesn't know how to lick yet, but hey, who or what needs to learn how to lick milk off a plate?!

I am looking for a baby feeding bottle now.

Mom and Dad arrive on Tuesday. I'll bet as soon as they find out about the little cat, its gone! Well, I couldn't leave it on the streets, I just couldn't.

What will I name it? Let me sleep over it. Next update on the little fellow and he will have a name-promise! Infact the title of the post will be: Update on __________.

Mwindula.

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Courtship...(PART 2)

In my last courtship post, I discussed the pre-courtship stage and the importance of interacting with the opposite sex in all purity. I wish to add alittle more to what should happen during the pre-courtship stage and touch alittle bit on the right time for courtship. These are my personal thoughts on the matter.

First and foremost, in my last post on this subject I mentioned and tried to explain why relationships are such a big issue for youths today. My buddies and I, admitted to the fact that most of us were under serious pressure to be in relationships. This was a serious concern for me, especially since we are, mostly, too young to be in relationships. I asked the question, where is all this pressure coming from?

The largest source of pressure, to be in a relationship, eluded me but upon further thought, eureka, I think I’ve got it!

It’s the world! Relationships are all over the media, celebrities, magazines, newspapers, internet, television from movies to soap operas, music, they all preach relationships. It’s all about who is seeing who, who “broke up” with who, who cheated on who, who got dumped by who… The source of pressure is indeed the world, God help this generation which is bombarded by the world constantly!

Well, I urge you to read the first post on courtship, simply check the left of this page and click the courtship link.

The period during which we relate to girls as sisters and enjoy their sweet company, it is indeed sweet(!), is meant to help us spur one another and help us learn how to relate to them properly. It should help us get to know them better and therefore appreciate them and vice versa. This is discussed in detail in PART 1.

There is a most important duty each young Christian guy or girl, man or woman should begin to work on. We all have character flaws. As we relate to our friends, guys or girls, we begin to see our flaws more clearly as our friends point them out and as friction begins to occur. The importance of interaction between sexes is that certain flaws are best noticed by individuals of the opposite sex.

For a guy, for example, fellow males will not see the roughness in you because guys are somewhat rough in the way they relate, pushing and shoving each other as they walk along, tossing each other all over the place, etc. Your lady friends on the other hand will tell you, “Brother, you need to be more gentle, the way you pushed sister Jane yesterday was not nice, or the way you handled that child wasn’t nice”.

A character flaw which may be found in a lady is that of gossip. As interaction between the opposite sexes occurs, fellow sisters may fail to see that another sister is too much of a gossip. The guys might pick up on that more easily and will quickly correct their sister, “Now sister, there you go again, no gossiping today, lets change the subject.”

Another example is “skitting”. The word “skitting” is not English, it’s colloquial. It means someone who is sort of prideful. It’s the kind of thing a popular girl at school would do when guys are talking to her or when a guy is talking to her. She knows she’s on demand and that is clear in the way she speaks to others. Well, a sister in the Lord might be a “skit”, knowingly or unknowingly. Guys can ‘spot a “skit”’ miles away! They will personally see to it that the sister is put back in the straight and narrow.

Character flaws vary and are plenty. I will mention a couple of mine. I tend to be rude, heartless, argumentative, emotionless, arrogant, someone who sometimes embarrasses others…let me end there before someone stops reading my blog permanently because they discover that a total wretch owns it! I’ll be honest with you. 90% of the flaws on that list have been exposed to me by my sisters in the Lord. They tell me, “brother, you were very rude to that sister, go and apologise.” It’s really helped me to have sisters in the Lord!

Why is all this important? When I get into a relationship, I should not enter it with baggage upon baggage of garbage! In other words, relationships are not the place for fixing flaws. Sure, ones partner helps with character deficiencies but, you shouldn’t enter without any work done on your character! If everyone concentrated on working on their character flaws during the pre-courtship period when sisters in the Lord help brothers in the Lord and vice versa, courtships and marriages in the church would be much happier today!

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Getting the camera out and having some Fellowship!

Saturday afternoon after the youth meeting was really fun! A couple of us were sitting on the lawn infront of the church entrance. We got the Camera out and got a couple pics, I thought i'd share a few. By the way, I am the guy with the glasses.

From left to right: Henry, Ann, Mwindula, Nelly, Edwin, Esther and Abraham.

Yup, I am a member of KBC.

Finally, while we were still busy taking pictures, some other youths found us and we took a shot of all those who joined us.

I learnt quite a while back that fellowship is not just when a group of Christians spend time attending to spiritual matters or topics. Fellowship is alot more than that. Getting the camera out and just having fun together is really nice. Sitting on the lawn just chatting away and laughing is really nice. So long as sin is absent, God delights in his children having fun together to the glory of his name. Fellowship glorifies the Lord's name.

Mwindula.

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