Fathers And Sons

To my father, who has shown me that a real man is a man after God's own heart.

When a boy is making the transition from boyhood to manhood, there is no book he can pick up, or magazine he can read, or website he can surf to find out all the intricate details of who a man really is. There is no universal, detailed description of what it means to be a man. How must a man look? How must he carry himself? How must he relate to those above or below him? How must he treat women? How is a boy, making that transition to manhood, to decide what route he will take on all these things?

A boy who is making this inevitable transition is almost like a person making his way through a maze. He has no map and could take several routes to his destination. Which route will he take? What techniques and methods will he use to navigate his way so he makes it to the end intact? It would be so much easier to have footsteps in front of him that he could simply follow. Likewise, the boy does not have a detailed description of what he has to become. It's the little things that matter like how a man must talk, should he be loud or should he be quiet? Should he joke or should he be serious? What about the way a man must walk? Must a man bounce as he takes his strides? Must he walk briskly or take his time? It goes on and on, how should keep his hair or his beard? How should he sit? How should he relate to women? And so on and so forth.

Because of all these variables, a father plays a pivotal role and very rarely are fathers conscious of this. If you take a moment to observe most sons who have had a father figure growing up you will soon see how much the son copies his father.

The son does not do this consciously. He doesn't say "Ok, how must I walk? Let me see how dad walks." No, he simply imitates what he sees and before long it becomes who he is.

I have two friends who shave their heads completely. I've often wondered why they should choose such a weird hair style at such a young age and then I noticed that their fathers both keep their hair that way. There's a young man I know who has a priceless smile but always wears a grave face. Again I wondered why, then I discovered his Dad smiles very rarely. There's another friend of mine who speaks exactly the way his father speaks, two in fact. There is a man at church who never makes a '4' or with his legs (crosses his legs) when he is sits. I have never seen his son make a '4' either. There's a man who is simply a clown, you guessed right, his son is always clowning around. There's another boy also who speaks very shyly, his father speaks exactly the same way. I could go on and on.

Already, genetically, sons will have mannerisms and habits similar to their fathers but they become even more like their fathers because when they are growing up the definition of a man they have is the one of the man of the home, and consequently, many of those small details I mentioned are simply adopted from their fathers. This all happens with both father and son virtually unaware.

That is why fathers are important to their sons. You are your son's definition of a man. Two of my friends complain incessantly about their fathers and I often wonder why they have taken so much of the way they look and carry themselves from their fathers if they aren't so fond of them. It is something they really can't help. And that is why many young men who grow up without fathers end up being criminals. Being at an impressionable age, they look to the 'stars' in society and in the media and take their cue from them much to their own peril.

Fathers, believe it or not your son is watching. He sees how you sit, walk, talk, shave, drive, etc, and that is his view of what being a real man is. He sees how you treat your wife and your domestic workers. You are what he will become. Your son will rise or fall because of what you have portrayed manhood to be.

I'm thankful for my father in whom I have seen that a real man must prioritize; God first, himself last and others in between and that the more you submit yourself to God, the bigger the man you are. Thanks Dad!

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Absalom

I have been fascinated by the life of David's son, Absalom as found in 2 Samuel and thought I'd share it here. So many things have struck me about this man.

The thing that amazes me most is just how much David, his father, King of Israel, loved him. David loved his son so much. This son who did nothing but wrong against his father. Absalom murdered his brother and plotted to and even briefly succeeded in overthrowing his father. Yet in spite of all this David loved him!

Absalom was a very handsome man. That is something that I never knew. He was very well built and lovely to behold. In fact, no one compared to him in the whole of Israel. The bible says that from the top of his head to the sole of his feet, no blemish could be found on him. He had long hair which appears to have been an admirable thing in a man at that time. These days all young men ever hear is 'cut your hair'.

I have been struck by Absalom's love. It was love that drove him to kill his own half brother. Absalom's sister was Tamar. She was raped by Amnon, her half brother. Absalom found his sister (with whom he shared a mother) weeping and she explained to him what had happened. In those days, her life was pretty much over. No man would ever want to marry her. She had been disgraced. Absalom, spoke to her tenderly and invited her to live with him in his house. I was quite surprised at that account because I have always known this man in negative light. Absalom carried a grudge against his half brother Amnon for two entire years until finally an opportunity arose to take the life of his brother. He did not hesitate. After that incident, Absalom fled for fear of the punishment of this terrible crime.

Inorder to assassinate Amnon, Absalom with the permission of David, invited all his father's sons to a feast in the town where he lived. When Amnon was drunk, Absalom had his men kill him. All the princes were afraid and immediately fled back to their father's palace. They entered into it weeping. Imagine David, watching all his sons rush into his palace weeping, like scared children bringing back news that Amnon, his first born son, was dead. Yet inspite of this David loved Absalom and wished that he would return from exile. Even those who surrounded him in his palace could tell that David was not himself. He longed for his son.

Finally it was arranged, Absalom was assured that the King would not punish him. Absalom returned home. After two years he was allowed an audience with the King, his father David, who kissed him. The two year delay probably served to chastise Absalom or simply to show some form of disapproval for his actions and would have been longer had it not been for Absalom's efforts.

Absalom was an ambitious man. His ambition led to his death. He was obviously a brilliant man as well. Not long after his return, he conspired rather brilliantly to overthrow his father. His father David, ruled over a nation consisting of twelve tribes. Everytime men came from a particular tribe to seek an audience with the King, Absalom made sure that he met them first. Here is what the bible says:

In the course of time, Absalom provided himself with a chariot and horses and with fifty men to run ahead of him. He would get up early and stand by the side of the road leading to the city gate. Whenever anyone came with a complaint to be placed before the king for a decision, Absalom would call out to him, “What town are you from?” He would answer, “Your servant is from one of the tribes of Israel.” Then Absalom would say to him, “Look, your claims are valid and proper, but there is no representative of the king to hear you.” And Absalom would add, “If only I were appointed judge in the land! Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that they receive justice.”


Also, whenever anyone approached him to bow down before him, Absalom would reach out his hand, take hold of him and kiss him. Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the people of Israel.

A brilliant man he was indeed! Absalom did this for four entire years. His plan was now ready for execution. He sent out his men to all the tribes of Israel telling them that when they heard the sound of trumpets they were to shout out that Absalom was King.

David his father had to run for his life. What sort of a man would do this to his own father? Well, in the end, David came up with an idea of his own were he sent his advisers to Absalom to pretend that they too had forsaken him. Absalom accepted them and even asked them, "Is this the love you show your friend?" Ironic isn't it? I'm sure in their hearts they responded, "Our sentiments exactly!"

Well eventually, this plan succeeded and Absalom was now the one on the run. David instructed those who were pursuing him not to harm him. But his more objective army commander who was leading the hunt for Absalom killed him as soon as he caught him. Absalom was on horse back and as he passed beneath some trees his long hair got caught up in the branches and he was left suspended in the air. When David's army commander reached him, he killed Absalom. And thus the hair that made him once famous was now the reason for his undoing.

As soon as his men returned, David asked, "Is the young man Absalom safe?" When he learnt the bad news, these were his words:

"O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!"

Yes. The most remarkable thing about Absalom's life was his father's love for him. I am convinced that the most remarkable thing about my life, is God's love for me. Like Absalom I have rebelled so many times but I am yet to be forsaken.

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Thoughts On Homeschooling

For the first time in a long time if ever, I put 'pen to paper' and struggle to begin this particular article. I struggle with whether to write a neutral article, one which is neither here no there (that kind which leaves a reader feeling like he/she has basically wasted their time, people want to hear which side you're on and why). I struggle with whether to pick a side and support it when I am most likely not informed enough to make an objective, comprehensive and sensible argument.

Usually, with not much forethought, I just sit down and type away 'free verse'. It seems the whole issue of homeschooling is a a big deal in the Western church. The whole controversy, I'm not quite sure if I can call it that, is one that the Eastern body of Christ has been... spared?

First time I heard of homeschooling, my response was, "cool". Now my response is really, "wow, what a hot topic." I am really intrigued by it and amazed to some extent by the debate.

This is probably because homeschooling and the controversy surrounding it is a luxury we don't have in Africa. I call it a luxury because I'd rather be wrestle with homeschooling than with hunger, unemployment, sickness, lack of education, inadequate health care, abject poverty, AIDS etc. Over here, we are too busy fighting for our lives to begin talking about homeschooling.

I suppose the whole issue of homeschooling has arisen, in the West, due to: need. The moral fibre of western society has been gnawed at for so long and to alarming proportions that one can understand why homeschooling was conceptualized.

Well, I will do the safest thing here and rather than pick a side (and perhaps lose the few readers I am already battling to keep), perhaps mention a couple of thoughts on the whole issue. Although I might give myself away...

1) It is unfortunate that homeschooling must even arise. It is a sad development that a society's morals can decay to such an extent that men and women become so afraid for their children, that they have to pull them out as it were. It is unfortunate and yet expected. We can expect no better from this world. In fact, we would be in order to expect worse. This is because of sin. The heart of man is deceitful and desperately wicked. The question is what is the Christian's response to a rotting culture and society? Perhaps a study to answer that question would unveil principles that can help determine whether homeschooling is the way to go or not.

2) It would be sin to make homeschooling the main thing. The gospel is the main thing. Jesus Christ is the main thing. As important as the whole issue of homeschooling is, it must not become an idol. As important as it is that families process and pray and seek the Lord's will over how to educate their children, if we find ourselves peddling anything that is a part over the whole, we sin. No theme must be most sang, most discussed and most cherished than the gospel. It is in the gospel that we must invest our resources (time, energy, etc). And that is a trap that Western brothers and sisters must be aware off. I don't think brothers and sisters should part company and fail to dwell in harmony because they cannot agree on the issue of homeschooling. I don't think God would buy it.

3) Homeschooling and the controversy surrounding it, has not taken God by surprise. In his infinite wisdom, he ordained that the issue arise. I wonder why. Could it be to test/sanctify the Western church? To see whether, even in such 'hot topics', the church does not get carried away with debate and controversy but perhaps agree to disagree and move on? It's so easy to get caught up and forget what is important, the gospel and mutual edification, fellowship and the means of grace, salvation and sanctification. For me, a development of factions among believers wrestling with this hot topic would be to fail the test.

4) One other issue about picking a side, is that, unfortunately, there is no neutral ground. I suppose that it's one of those issues where you are either here or there, or would a Christian school be neutral ground? I don't know... But in the process of choosing whether to home school a child or not, I think it would be prudent to work backwards. To study principles in the bible pertaining to the issue and build on those principles until finally a final decision is arrived at but based on a foundation of biblical principles. Is there an article or book that does that, where there is a neutrality about the flow of thought through biblical principles? Almost all that I've read seems to have a 'made up mind'. I think it is important to work like that over any issue and thus the need to be well grounded in the word. This process must be done prayerfully (with earnest and continuous prayer).

Well there you have it, a few thoughts from someone looking from the outside in on the whole issue of homeschooling.

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5 Reasons Why Weddings Make Parents Happy

You want to make your parents happy? Get married!

Seriously, why do parents get so happy when their children get married? Just a few weeks ago my foster sister got married. On the eve of the wedding, just the night before, there was an unmistakable aura. The mood in the house was gloomy. You couldn't miss it. I didn't want to be part and parcel of what I thought didn't make sense but I couldn't really help it. I mean she'd literally live across the road from us, what was the big deal, why be depressed?! She wasn't going anywhere! 24 hours later we were all laughing and enjoying the evening, watching the pictures and videos shot during the whole event, it was great. My parents were especially proud and happy and having noticed it in the parents in most of the past weddings, it left me wondering, why? Why are parents especially happy at weddings? Well, atleast five reasons:

1) Its a final and definate indicator that their child has fully grown and matured.

Granted, there are many indicators of a child's maturity and growth. The physical growth, the taking up of greater responsibilities, the completion of high school and tertiary education, leaving the home, etc. But when a child gets married, the parents can pretty much rest assured that their child has fully matured. The very fact that the their child has formed a family of his/her own is testimony to the child's complete independence.

2) The prospect of grandchildren?

Need I say more? Maybe just alittle... There is obviously something gratifying about seeing one's ofspring's ofspring. Many times God pronounces posterity as a blessing to his servants (or a lack thereof as a punishment for disobedience, Isaiah 48:19). He tells Abraham that he will have as many children as the sand on the seashore or stars in the sky, Genesis 22:17.

3) It gives them a sense of achievement.

I've never raised a child but I would imagine that it is a daunting task. With the evilone working just as had to ruin the child's life as the parent is working to make something out of it, not withstanding the fact that parents make mistakes of their own, it is qiute an achievement to raise a child successfully even to a point of complete independence. If a parent has been a failure in all other spheres of life, they can throw the wedding photo of their child into their portifolio.

4) It relieves them.

These days, I feel highly indebted to my parents. I feel like I've given them enough trouble and worries that I feel its time I began the impossible task of paying them back. I am pretty sure I, along with my collegues am to blame for the grey hairs. When a child gets married, in many senses, its one less child to worry about!

5) It brings them honour.

In a world where many young people are not serious about life and are either dragging their feet to develop themselves and improve their wellbeing or messing their lives altogether, it is an honours a parent when a child makes something of themselves and achieves a point of independence and self sustainance whereby they can even wed.

Well, there you have it!

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Criticizing The Cook

I remember when I was a child (some would argue that I still am), and was at the dinning table for a meal with my family. We prayed together and dug in. My foster sister had prepared the meal as usual. This time, something wasn't quite right. It was a long time ago and I don't recall what was wrong with it or what I said out loudly to let everyone know my grievances. What followed has remained with me to date. I got the worst scolding ever. I was rebuked so badly that I thought I had committed one of the top 5 sins known to man. Never again did I ever criticize someones cooking, at least not out loud! Even now, doing so is just not an option.

After I was rebuked by my parents (I think it was my mother), I never thought about it again really. I just knew never to do it again. The next time I thought about it was when I was in South Africa. I was staying with my Uncle and his family over there for a while. When I went to be with them, I remember sitting at the table that first evening and exhaling a sigh of relief and accomplishment having succeeded in leaving "Nshima land". I thought I'd never eat Nshima again for as long as I'd be there. My eyes almost fell out of their sockets when the dish lids were removed and there stood in front of me, a pile of Nshima. And I was even more disappointed to find that they ate it more than we did back home. Anyway, I remember one evening settling down to eat with fellow dependants when during the meal, the oldest criticized the cooking of one of the young ladies who had prepared the meal. I braced myself expecting to see some object flying towards the face of the critic or someone rebuke him for doing what he did, but nothing happened!

That happened many times after that and each time I looked at the face of the criticized cook, I realised why I got in trouble for doing so even as a child. Here is someone who is not getting paid to put in all those half hours and all that effort, and perhaps cooks for the family several evenings a week as weeks turn to months and months to years. Surely that person must be praised and thanked and not criticized. Even if their cooking is a four on a scale of one to ten, they should be honoured just for doing it. Probably the only person who is at liberty to criticize would be the fellow or co-cook. And so that experience in SA reinforced what I had learnt at home, "never criticize the cook".

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Triangle Rule

Not too long ago, we had a family meeting at home. A few issues needed to be settled and so Dad got his bible out, opened in prayer, and we began.


I've always been amazed at how "bible oriented" Dad is. When resolving any matter, or handling disputes, or teaching truths about both godliness and life in general, Dad always pulls his bible out and quotes from it. If we really believed 2 Timothy 3:16, we'd do the same, we'd use the bible for everything;

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.

~2 Timothy 3:16

During our discussion, Dad taught us a rule that I'd like to write here for two reasons. Firstly, I never want to forget it. I've heard it said, "If you want to remember something, write it down." Secondly, its a helpful rule that I'd like to share for others to benefit too. Dad said he has kept the rule all through his pastorate and it has spared him alot of problems. The rule is simple, so simple that I couldn't help but smile when he said it:

"Never complete the triangle."

If brother B tells brother A something negative about brother C, brother A should not complete the triangle by telling brother C what brother B said.

Here's an example. Jack thinks that Fred talks too much. Jack shares this with Jill. Jill should never complete the triangle by telling Fred what Jack said.

If Jill completes the triangle, she will damage the relationship between Jack and Fred.

Many times people tell us things in confidence. Sometimes the things we hear are true, other times they are malicious. Sometimes we are told certain things in passing, needless to say half the time, its us doing the talking.


In my case, I tend to take things am told too lightly. Perhaps someone will tell me that "so and so" has a big nose (for example). When am chatting with "so and so" one day, all it would take is for him to rub his nose, or sneeze or anything to do with the nose, and I'll unwittingly giggle and say, "You know, _______ actually said you have a big nose", foolishly expecting "so and so" to join me in my amusement. Before I know it, I've tied myself in a silly knot!


That's my weakness as far as the triangle rule is concerned. Others may find what they are told to be true and in a bid to help "so and so" start dressing better or stop chewing with an open mouth or whatever, we rebuke them saying, "Even ______ was complaining about the same thing, he said actually told me that you...".


Other "Jills" may decide to share what Jack said to Fred in confidence. As a result, everyone in the triangle knows the truth, in confidence!


Whatever the case may be, its important to know and master out pitfall as far the triangle rule is concerned. Even if someone says something negative about someone very close to us, we should not complete the triangle for the sake of the relationship between them.


This begs the question, must we then keep quiet and become accomplices?


Well, it really depends on what we've been told. We must encourage each other, or to put it negatively, we must discourage each other from making hurtful comments behind peoples backs. If someone tells you that "so and so" has a big nose, rebuke that individual and tell them that you are not interested in such hurtful talk. We should discourage ill talk.


Sometimes, however, we are told negative things which make it clear, that the one being talked about needs to change (e.g. "so and so" talks too much" or "is too loud" or "dresses scantily") or that "Jack" has things he needs to workout with "Fred".


In such cases, we must insist to "Jack" that he confront "Fred". In fact, give Jack a deadline. Tell Jack, "If you don't confront Fred about the things you've told me, I will tell him what you've told me, you have one week-and counting".


This way, the person that needs to change, will begin to, at the least, see that something about them affects others negatively. If the problem was their relationship, the two people involved will be able to iron their issues out.


It may cost you your friendship with Jack for a while but one day you will be thanked for it.

He who covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

~Proverbs 17:9

Hatred starts quarrels but love covers all transgressions.

~Proverbs 10:12

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Utekefye Umutima (Hold On To It!)

The title above quotes two phrases I hear pretty often, the first is from my mom and the second from a buddy of mine.

Utekefye Umutima is a bemba word. Bemba, is my mother's tribe and language. It is directly translated as, for those who'll read this and won't know, "put your heart [down]". It is actually figurative. What it actually means is, "be patient". I often hear these words from my mother.

The second phrase is, "hold on to it". My Dad is a pastor. During communion/Lord's supper, at our church, the bread is distributed around the congregation and when everyone has gotten a piece, we eat together (at the same time). Same goes for the cup. Well, when my dad is leading communion, he always says, after giving thanks, "the deacons will now pass the emblems round, get a piece, hold on to it..." My friend loves hearing my Dad say that at every communion we have and is ever using the phrase when he is talking. He'll be like, "That's a brilliant idea! Hold on to it and I'll get back to you!" He just loves it, so I hear it, pretty much, every time I am around him.

I want to share something that my Mom always tells me that I've learned to appreciate over the past few months. I'll go to mom and tell her about my latest crush. I'll tell her every single detail and she'll be very interested of course. After we've talked she'll always say, "...UtekefyeUmutima." Then the next day it will be a new crush and I'll be so "in love" and I'll share all the details with my Mom and during our chat she'll say, "Son, you're still young, UtekefyeUmutima!"

What my mom tells me in essence is,"Son be patient, don't rush."

In other words, don't act on your feelings. Be patient, you have so much time ahead of you, there is no need to make rush decisions now.

This trait is absent in most guys these days. It is a norm that once a guy has a crush, he immediately "follows his heart". I call them crushes because they are so fickle.

I've got a friend at school with whom I share my crushes and he would always get puzzled. I'd tell him about my "crush of the week" and because the chap is not saved, he'll ask,"Why don't you go for her?" He has since realised that I don't "go" for anybody. Just because I feel alittle funny when I'm around a particular girl doesn't mean, I'll ask her to be my girlfriend. I am not subject to my feeling, my feelings are subject to me.

You should hear guys discussing their crushes, my goodness! We guys sure go crazy over girls! Girls can confuse guys without them ever knowing it. The thing about these crushes is that they rarely last, I know of very few consistent cases where a guy has a crush for 10 years. Actually I know one, write me if you want details!! Its probly love for that particular case, cause 10years...!

I mentioned earlier how I now appreciate my mothers plea. "UtekefyeUmutima, be patient."

Guys have crushes all the time. Today its this one, tomorrow that one and so on and so forth. Its normal. The mistake we make, is to act on those feelings. Most of the time these crushes are on girls we have never even spoken to, or if we have, maybe just a hi here and a bye there. Obviously it would be foolish to pursue a girl based on a crush. This is because, having a crush and being in love are two extremely different things.

The urge to pursue a romantic relationship with someone we like is strong but there are reasons why we must not. Even though I love a girl, sincerely, it would be foolish of me, a dependant, still living under my parents roof, still being fed and clothed by them, to "go" for her.

My friend and I had an elaborate conversation where we ironed out a few things, lets take his name as X:

Me: Ah, X, I like that girl very much.

X: Really? Why don't you approach her?

Me: Approach her about what?

X: Tell her what you feel for her.

Me: Why would I want to tell her I like her when I don't want to start seeing her?

X: Just tell her what you feel so that she can know. Time flies. You'll find that after months of being in the same school, she'll never know you liked her and may even end up seeing someone else. Tell her you like her so that at least she'll know where you stand.

At this point, I decided that I'd lay out my plans to X. Let me also lay it out to you.

Even though I fell in love with a girl now I'd never approach her. A relationship must lead to marriage. I will not marry until I finish school and I'm settled down and ready to take care of both myself and a woman. Until I arrive at such a state, I will not enter a relationship. If the passion burns alittle too much, well...maybe when this state of independence is in sight.

The reason is, I don't want to fail to get my girlfriend a gift for her birthday because mom refused to give me my allowance for the month.

Also being in a relationship requires a certain level of maturity. This maturity is brought about from responsibilities. A man paying bills looks at life very differently from one who isn't! And all those men who pay bills said...amen!!

When a man is independent of his parents you can be sure that he is, at the least, half ready to handle a relationship. He has learnt to manage his finances, he knows how to budget, he knows how to look for a job, he has attained certain disciplines, necessary in life for being independent.

Another reason why I cannot be in a relationship is because I am still learning how to "be a grown up".. I am still under the the "active guidance" of my parents. There are independent men under the guidance of their parents but there's is a "passive guidance". That's why the best people to affirm whether or not I am ready to be in a relationship are my parents. They know how I am doing in my growth to become a young responsible and godly man.

Also most importantly, I am not ready to marry. I'll be in a position to marry about 5 years from now and its the epitome of nonentity to enter a relationship now!

Fellow young men, as you...we fall in and out of love, always remember, hold on to it! Hold on to those feelings until the time to let them go is right. "Mwindula, utekefye umutima!"

Mwindula.

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Running A Home

6am this morning, marked exactly 2 weeks since I last saw my parents in the flesh, thanks to skype! Skype is just great! You can talk to anyone, anywhere as long as you both have computers with an Internet connection and even be able to see them as you talk! It would probly have to be high speed though. Dad and Mom left the house for the airport enroute to Brazil the week before last.

There were some mixed feelings. Dad and Mom were obviously alittle anxious because for the first time they left us all by ourselves as "children" for a considerable period of time, half a month! We as children had some mixed feelings about it too.

On Sunday evening, Mom gave me a talk on responsibility and all that.

Things have gone pretty well, the house is still standing, so are its members. All members of the house who were present after the parents departure are still staying in the house although we came very close to losing one. Don't worry, the story is too interesting for me not to tell!

During the parents absence alot has happened, there has definitely been a whole lot of drama. I, unfortunatley, was at the centre of all the problems.

Our first night alone, I remember distinctly that power went, and I upset my young brother. Alittle further on and I upset my young sister. The beginning of the second week saw my sister leave the house, literally, because I had upset her, again. Yes, its been a memorable week alright!

The night power went, my brother asked my sister (I should do a post on my family so that I can begin addressing my siblings by name instead of by their relationship to me!) for a candle so he could study because he was going to write an exam the next day. For some reason he didn't get his candle and so he asked me to intervene. Well, I told him that it is important to "make hay while the Sun shines" and not at night when the power might go. Well, he did not take that too well! After clarifying what I actually meant cause it looked like he had missed my point, he told me firstly, that he was infact ready for his paper but simply wanted to go through some past papers and secondly, that he did not spend his day watching t.v as accused (by myself) but had actually spent his day studying taking regular breaks to refresh his mind by turning on the television for a few minutes each time. Well after I concluded, our public dispute (our audience being our two sisters), my brother was still quite upset and muttered a few words as he walked away in rage.

The power came back and went again. My brother came back from his room and confronted me in the dark, we couldn't see each other. Basically, he told me that he had a couple problems with my behaviour towards him especially infront of others, namely, our sisters, my friends and his friends. I plead "not guilty" to all charges and quickly became my on advocate. He wasn't absolutely happy after I was done but I suppose took comfort in the fact that he had voiced out his grievances. We haven't really argued since.

It was not a very good start to my reign as "man of the house". Little did I that I had not seen anything yet! I do not even remember what caused the dispute between my sister and I. My best guess is that it all began when she got her plate for supper from the kitchen, sat in the sitting room and without waiting for the others, started eating. I told her to be patient next time, so we can pray and eat together. Maybe that sparked something, I'm not really sure. Well, I did something wrong, she (my sister) was quick to correct me, I refused to bend-pride but after she left, I yielded. Then she came back to again tell me that I was in the wrong still, which I was, sorry I am beating about the bush here-deliberately so.

Anyway, my sister and I even stopped talking to each other, literally. I remembered that at a certain point, I would have to begin leading the family devotions and obviously, I couldn't lead devotions well, if I was not on speaking terms with a member of the house. With that in mind, on Friday night, the first Friday night with out the parents, I got home and asked my sister, Mwape, if she could come into my room so we could talk. I then went to my room, started playing the guitar while waiting for her. Just when it seemed that I would have to go call her again, she arrived. I acknowledged that I was wrong the day I had refused to listen to her correction and apologised for it. I then asked her to tell me what I needed to work on and I would simply listen.

It was like giving her a belt and telling her to whip away! She shot me down! "Mwindula, you are rude, unaffectionate, arrogant, argumentative..." and so on she went. When she gave me her list, my reaction (in my mind ofcourse) was, "yeah, right." I didn't agree with a word she said! That was until she gave me example after example for each item on her list. And she was having so much fun doing it! I mean, we were called for supper and she immediately asked that we be given a couple more minutes. After emptying the last of the bullets in her gun, she was done. I promised her that I would work on the things she had mentioned. After that things were good as new, infact, they were better! You'd never had known that we had argued.

The biggest challenge came on the first Sunday evening since my parents departure. This time, my sister was being funny. Over lunch she had acted really silly to me infront of her friends, I won't go into details. Anyway, she lost the battle and had thus gotten upset with me. That evening she walked out of the house at night without my consent or anyone else's to go to my other sisters place. She returned the next day. Monday evening, she again, walked out of the house, but this time instead of watching her leave,I ran after her. Our conversation was pretty intense:

Mwindula: Where you going?

Sister: To ask the guards to get me something next door.

Mwindula: That's not what you told [our brother] when he asked you where you were off to as you walked out the door a second ago.

She thought I was now trying to interrogate her and began walking away. I continued talking and she continued walking. I grasped her arm to stop her walking and she exploded! "Don't squeeze my arm like that! Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah." We exchanged words, not screaming or anything but she was definitely on fire!

I'll bet the guards, who were watching the whole thing, were getting some real life stage entertainment!

I apologised for being rough with her:

"Sorry I didn't mean to be rough but what else could I have done? I was trying to stop you from walking away while I was talking to you. Look, is there a problem? (No response, and she wasn't looking at me either.) Whatever you want, you should not have to leave the house, with two brothers within its walls, to go ask the guards outside to get it. The reason why dad left me as the oldest man in the house is because he expected that whatever you need, requiring a mans strength or help, you could get from me. If you don't feel comfortable with me helping you or you don't want to talk to me, we can get another person who you would rather, handles your needs. (Still no response, no eye contact either.) Who should we call who you would be more comfortable speaking with? One of the elders maybe? Even yesterday, when you walked out at night, if anything happened to you, what would I tell dad? Dad, "she walked out and I failed to stop her?" Whatever you need, I am here to meet it."

I left it at that and she went to talk to the guards. I thank God he gave me grace to handle that confrontation. She was a little upset from that day but as the days rolled by she came around and before long things were all good again. During the time she was upset after the confrontation, the words "love her like Jesus" kept coming to me. Its actually a song by "Casting Crowns". Everytime we called her to eat and she didn't want to, I thought, let me allow to cool off, let me love her like Jesus.

Overall God has been great to us. He has kept us and has kept sanity. One thing is for sure, I am not interested in running a home at all. Juice given to Dad and Mom who deal with radical teens like us "children" in their home. The taste of running a home has really made me appreciate my parents and what they do for me and my siblings. They are coming home tomorrow and I can't wait!!

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