17 September 2008

Rock Bottom

People who suffer addictions tend to be in denial of there problem. They will finally admit they have a problem when they hit rock bottom. Alcoholics will admit there problem when they wake up one morning next to trash can or in a pit with no idea where they are. Food addicts (I don’t know there technical name!) will admit they have a problem when on there first day, just after the semester break, they go to there college or university and can’t fit in there desk anymore. Well I also hit rock bottom this morning, I kinda knew I had a problem but then I kinda didn’t (makes sense?). I wouldn’t call my case an addiction per say but it is very much a problem.

Every Monday I get money for school-enough for the week. Well this week it was all gone by Tuesday evening! I thought I’d get some cash on Tuesday night and that’s what gave me enough nerve to clear what little was left of my week’s money. Well as the Lord would have it I didn’t get the cash I thought I’d get. This morning (Wednesday), I woke up with no money at all. As is usually the case, I had false sense of surety, no worry at all because (again, as is usually the case), I had a plan:

I’d lend enough bus money to get me to school, atleast, from someone at home, ofcourse not my Mom who wouldn’t be impressed, and then I’d borrow some money from a school mate for the rest of the week. Well things didn’t go according to plan. No one at home was willing to give me any money(!) and my pride would not allow me to beg. My brother told me I had gained “a bad reputation”, with paying money back, in the house. I tried my cousin and she refused with an unconvincing reason but as I said, I was willing to do almost a lot of things to get some cash but begging was not one of them. I tried my other cousin who had just got some money and he bluntly refused. I couldn’t believe it. I had no money and my plan B had failed terribly. I was supposed to be in class in 40 minutes! With a lot of desperation the thought crossed my mind to ask a certain older friend for money. He works right across from home. When that thought crossed my mind, it hit me. I had been brought to my knees. 3 days of school left and not a cent on me, no one willing to lend me any money, the thought of stooping so low as to ask for money from someone else.

It reminded me of the prodigal son who had reached the end of his rope such that he considered satisfying is hunger by eating the food for the swine he “herded”. Its not that I think too highly of myself to ask for money but the relationship that I had with my older friend who worked across from my home wasn’t the kind where we asked each other for money (I hope you see what I mean am at a loss for words…). Anyway, I made it to school by God’s grace, lets just say I “borrowed” some cash and made sure it was returned the second I got home!

Today’s experience has confirmed to me that I have a serious problem when it comes to spending. I am a reckless spender. This problem as I foresee it can grow to a point where it brings disaster on my finances when I am independent. People who find themselves in heavy debt start out exactly the same way. The problem grows as it continues to go unattended. Thankfully for me, I have a God who has loved me enough to show me this potentially serious problem early on. Thankfully, this same God is my father. I have a personal and living relationship with him. He isn’t just a name to me; he is so, so much more. Thankfully he is greater than any addiction, problem or anything else and with his help, I can be set free of my problem if only I take it to him in sincere prayer. Father God, I thankyou for you.